I’ve had the pleasure of seeing where i once was from the eyes of an outsider. Me being the outsider. I’ve read a blog here and there, and recently the pilsbury dough boy who’s stating he’s thinking he’s trans. I can remember when i was in those shoes and those early stages of transition. Now I’m about eight months into full time Candice and wouldn’t go back for the world.
I remember the uncertainty and fear i once had. The wonder of if I’ll make it to where I’m at now. Though didn’t expect to be alone,(though i knew i would be 14 years ago), I’m good. I’m a far cry from who i was two or even one year ago. The fear of some things are all gone. The fear of others still a reality.
With all that the reality of me being we i wanted to be the last 30+ years has arrived. I’m approachable for the first time in my life. People want to talk to me. I’ve still got some learning of the female behavior yet to learn. But, I’m getting there. It sure wasn’t the easy path. I’ve had my share of downs and depression. A fair share of bad thoughts and wishes for my self and others. Also the great thoughts of a super future and the wonderful times that are yet to be had. And now for once, I’m fulfilled. Fulfilled with the satisfaction of finally being me. With all the trials, tribulations, crying, laughing, happiness and everything I’m finally everything i needed to be my whole life. The graduation from patheticness to being me in satisfaction of self living and self love.
But back to the beginning, yeah I’d leave my Friday or Saturday night make up on when i finally turned in after the monthly night out. Usually not washing it off till about noon the next day. Because it was how i dealt with the self hate, the idea of being able to look into the mirror and still see a piece of what i needed to be, even if the mascara and eyeliner was smudged and smeared. To me that was the greatest sight at that time. My hair to short, my mind in one direction. How to dress, what colors and shoes and make up tips everything totally overwhelming. Yet i soaked it up like a sponge. Trying to learn an entire adolescent females world in a few short months and two years later, still learning. Wearing a bra in hopes of not being seen with it on to learn the need to remove the silly thing. How to move abd act while having certain clothes on. The wearing of high heels at home daily almost to learn how to walk in them. Just an entire world of learning the female puberty in a few months only to get to into hrt and really learn what female puberty is minus the menstrual cramps and the pad.
I mean with all this, I’ve come to the conclusion that ive arrived. To the destination of woman hood. I’m called ma’am everywhere. I never thought I’d get here. But yet here i am. Breasts that are mine, hot flashes, a mood cycle of three to six weeks, growth spurt on the breasts, loss of muscle, loss of male privilege and respect, and all that. Add in now the gawking of the men, the rushing to get the door open for you, the fact that your opinion is worthless, being cut off in conversation. The changes in hair, skin and nails. Everything changed….
So I’m happy with it all and i can still remember the moving to this part of my life and still all questions of myself as to why i waited so damn long. That’s about all i have to say except this, I’m to the point of not wanting to talk about my transition anymore we other people. It’s gotten old and boring. So that’s that people.