13 August Journal

Good Morning folks, Its sunday. I had a vision just a few minutes ago. Yes as crazy as it sounds i did. I will get to tht in a minute.

I do know I am tired of being hit on by the ugliest of ugly ducklings in the dating world. I state this as I went out last night. No I couldnt afford to go out but yet I couldnt afford to sit home and keep a crap mood of loneliness. so went in and the place wasnt all that packed. Which is normal about 7pm. At 9pm on the place packs in and is just about standing room only. This little person, which the size doesnt bother me, But bad ugly teeth and a demeanor to match, is a turn off. I mean at least someone is interested but geeze do they always have to be so damn fugly. Why cant a rogers or mathews hit on me, I would be all drooling to them.

Anyway, I had my Vision of what it is to be trans, similar to getting the early stages of alzhiemers. When you get alzhiemers, you begin to fade away. Memory and all is leaving the body. Much like a trans person who is leaving the old self to become the new self, though this is a more physical sense rather than the mental. No one divorces an alzhiemers patient that I am aware of. They support and love and take care of the patient. SO why cant we get the same respect. Take me for example, 14 years with the same lady, gone to the wind due to an issue I didnt ask for nor did I choose. I didnt just spring this up like does alzhiemers, I let her know from the get go. Many other trans people have the same issue as well. Is it because we tyically wait to late in life to change gender? Or is it because we are just freaks unlike the person with a disease like alzhiemers who isnt a freak, or better yet the cancer patient, burn victim what ever, just pick one….Would you leave your spouse over such a thing as a disease or accident? I met a lady who I adore deeply. I felt a special connection with her. Later after chating she told me of her issue, an inoperable tumor in her skull. SHe is inundated with headaches and BP issues due to that. She is at the end of her life cycle per what the doctors have told her about 3 years ago. My feelings for this preson hasnt changed. Though we arent in a relationship, I still want one with her even though i know it will not last all that long. I am not sure I am ready for another loss but ya know, I will get what I am meant to have regardless. I just have to try. However, the story here isnt about a nightingale effect, but the fact of true love and care for the person you are in a relationship with. I thought ai had this, to love honor and cherish til death do us part. I guess since what she married is physically gone, she felt she could leave the spiritual remains of that person. Though I want a relatioship again, I know it wont happen very fast if at all. I am the freak who isnt loved because I am different. Because I have a “disease” (sorry about the word usage), am passed away in a sense, and not the ass hole I once was. My mind and soul and spirit hasnt really changed, except fo the happiness with myself. The body has and continues to change, much like the alzhiemers patients mind changes to become unrecognizable.

So well I hav to yesterdays work for work that I didnt do yesterday. I am also done, so I hope, on brooding about the fact my life is so fucked up. I let myself get into this BS by not being true to myself in my past. I am going to have to get myself out of it. With my frogs and new life, I will have to pick a road on this cross road intersection of my life. But before I do, I am going to fix me for the last time in my head, make myself as happy as possible and just be me. Pay my bills, properly manage my money and get into me. Its been 5 months or so since she has left me alone. 5 months of a hell that I feel maybe i have deserved though, some of it was self imposed. I have to get going folks,


Love Candi

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