HUM 22 July Journal

Good Saturday morning folks. I am trying this beta thingy out and have no idea what its going to do for me. I am not even through the first cup of coffee yet. But ya know, it is only coffee the life of the mornings for a large portion of the USA. Abbot and Costello are on the TV and I am in a daze for some wierd reason. I need to do some work from home today and tomorrow. Provided I get the gumption to do so. Actually Gumption or not, I need to get it done. We have come to the busy part of the working year and its start up time once again. So it isnt going to end anytime soon. Taking time off at this point is Kinjiro, forbidden. Aside from doctors appointments and such, no vacation time allowed. Which really is gonna suck since I have had no vacation in two years for say. At least a summer one. I feel its all part of becoming me, a female and losing what I was once to become a better me that I am not at 100%.

I have seen a couple of movie trailers for a couple, actually three movies that have my interest. 2 I can remember the name of, “alpha” and, well damn, I forgot. However its about the hot shot jumpers for the forrestry service to help put out wild fires. There is another one that looks really cool and I sure as oh wait, i remember, “the tower” by stephen king. Or something like that, maybe its the black tower. The funny thing is this though, I have learned that the more hype and trailers you see about a movie, the less exciting and good the movie. But that goes for nearly every movie I know these days. I used to keep up with what movies were coming out and now, since my early or mid thirties, I just dont keep up with them that much. For the longest there hadnt been anything I really wanted to go see when I did look. But that is another discussion of depression and hate of myself that we arent getting into again.

I Watched an interview with a transwoman yesterday on FB. The way she worded how the hiding and the constant business of living to please everyone else seems to just drown out the need for being true oneself. So As I look back and see my life aside from a couple things, I see that I stayed busy to much to think about me. Then when I did and the gender Dysphoria cam back up, it caused a lot of pain and I repressed it again and became more and more depressed. To the point that it showed. My first and third wife, both had similar issues why to leave me. First one was because she wanted a man to be with. I never knew it for I was to busy and the female clothing i was wearing under my clothes was a turn off to her. I turned a blind eye to way t much about our relationship towards teh end and when it ended, I blamed my self. Took it really hard and just basically disconnected from everything in life except my kids, however they were some victims too. My third wife who had the same issue, also left for the same reason. THough I will say she tried. She needed a man in her life, the man I was no longer existed. I am not mad at her one bit for leaving. I am sometimes a bit sad but you know I am ok. I will say by this time that we met, I was a tad bit more open about it and let her know I liked womens clothes and that day thatI told her, I saw the look on her face and once again I buried the dysphoria as much as i could. even in the 14 years we were together, it came up in clothing purchases and undegarments. When questioned by her I made up excuses but didnt actually try very hard to hide it in its entirety. WHy? Candice had to come out and that was her small breath of air to keep from drowning. Now my second wife, she I found out would have been more supportive if I had of been more open with her about me and not hid the clothes and stuff, then yeah she would have accepted it much better. BUt I didnt, hiding lying and burying myself made me an agry mad and unbearable person. So we split up and didnt talk for better than 14 years. Now we are like best friends. We talk in some form almost daily and she has her life and I mine. Which does bring me all up to the present. I am done hiding and whom ever it is that pops into my life from this point forward, will have to accept me 100%. I will have to do the same in return. Now there will always be a give and take with any relationship. But to cchange a persons being or exxpect different is a no go to me. If they are fearing my being seen in public with me, then we have an issue. IF you are afraid of what i may or maynot have in my pants or bra, then we arent gonna work. IF you cant also take the initiative to hold my hand, accept my wanting to hold yours, or kisses in public, then it isnt gonna work out. I spent my whole life feeling like a freak and sure as hell dont wanna do that nor feel that from a significant other. No one deserves it.

Well Folks I am gettting hungry and need to get bussy on what i have planned for the day. Hope you all have a great day,


Love Candi

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