July 19 Journal

Good Evening Folks, Walker Texas Ranger is on the TV, dinner eaten, and I am attempting to find a path to my life while i sit here wondering about my life once again. When the hell do I not wonder about myself and where, who and what I am going to be in the future. Hopefully a much happier person than I am now. Yet I am pretty darn happy about myself now days.

I read a post yesterday, it had to do with the reality of transition and the things you were never told. The idea in our heads of being where we feel we belong, after years and possibly decades of thinking, and planning and finding the final bit of courage to actually transition. When we do, they said it was a bull in the running of the bulls, stay out of the way, and dont bother anymore talking to the transperson until they got tot where they are evened out on themselves. This is something I know whole heartedly. The world I attempted to please I listened to. I was for the most part ready for transition with a few pieces that I found to be harder than I expected.

  1. loss of what i once was. Though this isnt the top of the list all together, it is a bigger part than I expected. What I say here is applicable to both MTF & FTM transition. The life we had in its certain privledges are gone. The idea of me holding the door open for women is out, and replaced with men holding the door me. The male respect I had is now lost in feminism and sexist ideas that I am not smart due to being a female. Talking to to women about kids and grandkids and oogling over a newborn isnt awkward to women anymore. For that matter  I am not awkward about it either. For the FTM, well you cant do that anymore as you become more male. I was once able to lift a great deal of things, that is now gone too. You have to become a smarter worker to be a hard worker. Lifting a brake drum on a semi-truck just isnt happening anymore. Though I could once toss them around like no ones business. Men and women dont mind me being around. Respect from the ladies is there, and eye candy is the is the thing men see, well, a piece of ass. LMAO.
  2. Loss of Friends and Family. The people I once hung out with as a male as greatly changed. Most all of the men folk i knew have nothing to do with me anymore. I am not that guy they can rely on. The Women side of friends is way better than before. Probably more so than my asshole male self ever had. The loss of family was the hardest to me. I was prepared for the loss of my parents and siblings. So i thought. I was not prepared as well as I thought for my parents loss. That had taken me a great deal of time to learn and accept. Though I am still sad, I am ok with it mostly. Losing my spouse was the hardest of it all. Which came when I was not mentally stable enough during the mourning of my folks who dropped me, I now had another loss to deal with in the midst of that. When my wife left I was ready just not at that time. I knew when we met, that if this ever came out she would be gone, and that is what happened and I had a 14 year preparation, but the emptiness of the house and the loneliness of no one to speak to, eventually took a toll. I would like to say I am over it all, but i keep bringing it up in my head and blog. So I am guessing there is still something I need to do to accept it. I surely cannot forget it. Reality is also that you may not be welcomed by the old hangouts we used to go ot anymore either.
  3. Changes in your lifestyle. Where for me I was once a person with a depressed state and a lifestyle of handling my own affairs somewhat with a great deal just left to my wife, I have no longer wanting the race track and the smell alcohol fuel in the morning. No I wanna smell perfume and makeup. I want to be taken care of and be the one to keep the bills paid and save the money for us to live on in the long run of retirement. The opposite I would think is the FTM trans folks. I can only speak for myself so I know what I have longed for and yet I did what my male job was, so I thought, Bring home the bacon.
  4. Learning to embrace yourself as you now are. THis is the last in my bullets of transition. When we do finally make the decision to transition, we have to do a number of things to get there. Become resolved to the fact of all the above written things can and will happen in some form. We seek the therapist and then the doctor to get on HRT. Then we start HRT and feel relaxed for a change in our lives. Thats only the beginning. We have to embrace we arent going to be what we thought we were to this point. We also have to embrace that, we are still having that as a part of who we are and why we are. We have to learn to dress and act appropriately in the gender we are transitioning to. We have to be the actors of life to change what we always were to everyone else to whom we always were deep inside. For me, learning to do make up at three am daily had been a a bit of a chore. Before going full time I had to learn make up all together, then practice small pieces of it at three am. Like mascara and then neutral eye shadow that was un-noticable. Weekends spent dressing and make up and learning to speed up. Grooming the hair both male and female changes, facial hair has to also be either removed for MTF and groomed for FTM. Then the body changes start happening. That is sometimes when we decide to keep going or stop. I know a couple of MTF that had stopped as they were learning that the growth of boobs and shrinkage wasnt what they wanted to deal with. I guess they wanted to keep thier “manliness” yet have boobs. Similar to those on the pornos that have working ding dongs. Though others, like me, the pain of breast growth, and the shrinkage of something i have hated my entire life is a welcome and wonderful change. If had I had not been brought up with such a closed minded parentals, I may have done this and expressed myself so much sooner and been a much happier person most of my life. However, I wasnt and I needed to finally embrace myself and my needs and feelings. It has cost me three marriages, the respect of a great deal of family and loss of self worth in someways.

Well thats about it for what I can think of at this time. I do know that the dating scene is rather messed up for trans folks. You arent quite female or male enough to fit the mold of either gay, lesbian, male or female. Now there will be someone who will take us on in a relationship to accept and love us unconditionally for what we are and who we are with our flaws and ups and downs. I do hope that I can find that and hopefully maybe be able to stop reflecting on this so darn much. The work and reflection along with searching for someone to at least attempt to treat me respectfully in a relationship as a friend, and hopeful loving relationship. That will I am sure come in time and as I become more into myself and me, then I will find whom ever it is, or they will find me. Transitioning, at least for me, hasnt been all that bad. I have been extremely happy to make my transition and become the person, woman, I was supposed to be. If you keep your attitude correct and your head on your shoulders, along with your homework, it wont be as bad as you think. The world owes you nothing, and you owe it nothing but a good attitude. THen it will all be better than you think.

Well its bed time now folks. Have a great evening and get some super rest.

Love Candi

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