16 July Journal

Its a sunny Sunday morning folks. I have already been doing work, again! There is just to much for one person to take care of. But keeping costs down is a reason to overload the employees with impossible demands. I guess the world is going that way. 

So I have not been doing a whole lot of much of anything this week. I havent even checked the mail yet. I am sure the mail person is upset at the full box I am sure is there. Which is life sometmes. After having a week of couchlessness and antique rocking chairs to sit in I was pretty worn out and only wanted something soft to sit on and be able to stretch out and relax. Finally friday I found a couch and got it home, moved into the house alone. Last night i actually got to sit on it and next thing I knew I was passed out. I didnt realize that i was that worn out. I could tell i was tired, but ya know, I was ignoring the signs, and was getting to be a rather huge bitch. THings were getting under my skin and life was beginning to seem so dismal. I am ok today and should be even better later in the week I am hoping. 

I have not decided whether or not to pursue any dating. The folks that are interested and seemingly worth seeing are to far away for a relationship. The ones in the male department that are here local have only sex on the brain. Such as mr junior. I said no dicpics, and what do i get, a dicpic. Though intrigueing I am not a “slut”. THe thought of it has hit me a few times, but I am worried about having such relationships and sex in that capacity. I really just wanna be one persons slut LMAO. That one person is getting hard to locate. I have thought on what a relationship is, along with love and honor to another person. That is it doesnt matter what the packaging is, love is love and if you are in love with some one it shouldnt matter to what they are packaged in, male or female, transgender, skin color. Now with that if you are a dopehead, criminal or something that is in the illegal I am not into you. If you have a look about you of the ghetto, sorry it aint gonna happen. I am not going to be answering a plethera of questions up front about why and how i live as a female, what hand i use, what my favorite color is and a bunch of other things before we ever meet. I do not understand the abbreviataed terms of SMH, KILK, WYD, there are some I cant remember and seemed to be longer than the use of the word themselves. I have to keep up enough with those at work try to keep things like ABS, ATM, DEF, SRS, W/C, A/C, DPF, DOC, DSC, DOR, ESN, TSN, VIN, and a host of others I am not remembering off the top of my head. I am getting to old to try and figure out the world of text abbriviations. When talking to women, I find a much more meaningful conversation. One that is worthy of continuing. Transwomen are also cool, as we can relate to eachother and we arent judging eachother, we are just exisiting like we really and truly want. Which I am finding with Cis-women also. Men just wanna talk about why you transitioned, are you “completely” a female, do you suck cock, and do you have sex along with how? Some how they seem to think that the penis still works as the result of wathcing porno flicks on redtube or whatever else is there. Hey DUDES, lets get to know eachother a bit first, wine me dine me, OK? Which is why I havnt really been pursuing men so much lately. The testosterone based relationship and conversation isnt as cool as i thought it was as a male, or is it? As a female, with estrogen flowing in my veins, I want a connection. As a male that i was before I needed some kind of connection but was more apt to just move forward faster as a testosterone based person. I guess since i have been on one side of the fence and now on the other I see things that have really just gotten my goat about who to be with. Not so much what they are, ie; female male or trans doenst matter. Its about that connection. Like back to mr. junior, who sent the hard pecker pic this morning. Well dude, I have yet to meet you, you live an hour away and have yet to offer to take me out. MR. Pilsbury has. Mr. Pilsbury is a tall losing weight guy i went on a date with at a truck stop. I gave him that name as he looks like a dough boy of pilsbury proportions. Hes a bit too thinking on things but can think about other stuff than just work and betterment of himself. Though his idea on the first date was to talk only about himself and what is wrong with the world. Though I agree with much of what he has said, I need more than a discusion about work things when I am not at work. 

Ya know, I want a life outside of work. If i could ever get to the point of having a meaningful relationship, I would definately change jobs and stop working like a mad woman to make ends meet. Something more feminine, an less stressful. The hours I currently keep does make it hard for one to find a relationship. there is no night life, there is no early risers to meet me in the world of life. No one wakes up like I do to greet me for the day. By the time i get any good mornings from anyone, I am at lunch usually, which is breakfast to most of the world. I do enjoy that early morning stillness. The time to reflect and think on the day and yesterday. Is is really the only calming part of life that is keeping my sanity in tact. The loneliness at night has its toll. SOmeday it will come back around to me. Honestly, I feel that when I get to a year of aloneness, then I will be more than ready spritually and mentally able to sustain a relationship. Until then I am thinking and knowing I am having a great deal of things to learn about myself. I have learned a great deal of things, and yet have much more to learn. This past year, as I have said in previous posts is the year of complete change. Learning about loss, loneliness, and whoI am. What makes me as a woman tick. What its like to be a woman in this mans world of repression and unfairness. The things I longed for since i was a child in my single digits. The things i was always told no about i can have. Finding that I could have always had it and kicking my own ass for not accepting myself sooner. BUt the supposed need to please family and the few friends I had was not what ai needed as i looked back. I needed to change for me, and once i have decided that, found that i truly have not lived in life. I mearly survived, how is beyond me. I did attempt suicide 2 times in my early 20s. Enlisted in the military to have that death come honorably after missng out on the fire department by 1 month of being able to walk in from the street and have a job. I later went into the fire service to do just that after I went through the schooling required to be there. BUt it was not meant to be and being a mechanic is what i was meant to be and finally accepted that aspect of my life. I do still want out of being a mechanic but not for reasons of dying, but for reasons of being more female for myself as a male job and career are slowly becoming less and less me. More and more I do want to be the lady with the knowledge for other things that arent so “dirty” but still in the automotive field. I am stil thinking on a great deal of ideas for changing jobs. Money is the biggest thing right now. Lightening in a jug is a wonderful idea. Maybe a total career change is in order, but i do not wish to have to go to school again at my age. However I may need to do that to get away from what I have now. 

Well folks, Its time for me to get ready for my day of things to do. Not that i have  agreat deal of things to do. Just a few groceries to buy and a softball game. I think that the gorceries are going to wait. I dont need to much anyways and can get by with what i have. I have only been eating sandwiches anyway or soup as its to hot for much of anything else. Hope you all have a great and relaxing day. 

love Candi

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