8 July Journal

Good morning Folks, TOday is going to be another day of change. More in the moving forward into my own desolate world of emptiness. 

I had hoped to have the funds to make a purchase this weekend for an item that I am losing. I do not and will be reduced by more stuff. I dont want a pity party or anything. I am just a bit sad. I will get over it and I wil be ok. Its the ideas of why and how I caused all this loss. It seems at every turn I am losing something. I am sure that by the time I get through transitioning, I will have not a thing to my name, not even a job. 

Ya know, my phone isnt dinging, no emails other than junk and the mail box is full of nothing but bills. There seems to be no room for love, sex, dating or affection. As the funds are a bit too short to allow me to do anything but go to work. I cannot afford to even go to my dental appoinment this next week. Mostly because it is not on my normal path of daily travel and requires extra fuel which costs money to go there. I am thinking of turning off my cell phone and home internet services. This would save about 200 dollars a month and allow for more funing to get out and about. But then I wouldnt know about any potential dates. I dont know why i would be going on a date in the firstplace, I am an intimidating person in stature, and the fact that I am trans. BUt I am going to be ok, if even though I cannot be contacted. 

So the day of sadness will continue. I will get through it and I will be ok. Thats about all I can say at this time. I do have a meeting today that I am not sure I am going to make as I dont have the funds for fuel to go there either. But I may just go so that I can have a bit of interaction. Otherwise I am not going anyplace or doing anything.

IT seems still that being trans is a big turn off to folks. I wonder if maybe i should go to the women and see of I can get more acceptance. The men here are so either turned off, intimidated, or ust wanna sex notch of “hey I fucked a trans chick” that I am getting a bit bored on the whole attempting to date thing. Its getting really freaking old. Then the ones who seem to be truly interested are so far away they may as well be in china. When you dont have the funds to even go out of the way to the dentist, its tough to get out and go anywhere. I am told by several people to get out and go do stuff. I do, the grocery and shopping for the things I need. staying close to home and not venturing out very far or very often. So yeah I do stuff, just not the way they are intending. 

Well poeples I am off to get my things done, what ever that may be. I mean I have to clean and straighen the house and get ready for some things to be moved out of here. I need to get my shower and fix me some breakfast. Oh wait I have some already made. I best get that eaten and not waste it. Have a great day folks. 

LOve Candi

One Comment Add yours

  1. Cinn says:

    Hang in there love. But if I could encourage anything, it is take time and figure yourself out first.
    ❤️ rooting for you


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