6 July Journal

Good morning folks, its thursday. I am still flat worn out and really do want to just stay home. However I cannot and have to work. Actually I Guess I could take off and I am sure I need to before the black out starts next month. 

Good Grief The passport thing turned into a big problem. Apparently your borth certificate these days has to have the institution or mid wife information to prove citizenship. Which means I cannot get my Passport as I am undertanding it. Even though i served in the United States military and was born in the United States, I cannot prove it. At least not the way I am required. What a crazy world We live in. So That was money wasted and it depresses me. All because the county in which I was born did not submit to the state the records needed after the adoption of me after I was born. I was with my mother my entire life. That I know for sure. But the need to have a dad I was adopted by the man I called Dad. What a tangled up mess.

I have wondered what kind of person could love on me and not make me feel like a freak. The Idea of being the wife and in a relationship is rather appealing to me. But the real question is, what kind of girlfriend would I be? Would they be accepting of me in a good way? Accepting that I am not normal in certain ways and make the world melt away with each kiss and each touch? How will I react to those touches and kisses? Will I lose my inhibitions? I am sure I will someday find out. But if the dreams and the reality are anywhere close to each other, I may be a bit of a sex feind, and I may be a super home maker and take care of my guy in a very special way for all aspects of a relationship. I am still unsure about myself. Though I was in a relationship as the “societal bread winner” and have a long history in my carreer field, how so I become the “societal bread cooker”. Or better yet how do I keep my knowledge and abilities and not come off as a “know it all”, even though in the world of things I do know way more than most.

In the sex department, I am a shy person at first in any relationship. Once the ice is broken, I am open yes. I am very self conscious about my body. Now even more so as transitioning has left an appendage that needs removed. Well, actually I wanted it removed most of my life. IT has been an item of shame for me and even more so as the years of my life progessed and now, I want more than anything to have GRS and be totally female. I also would love to find a person to make me feel very welcomed and unashamed of my self. Some one who when we kiss I would melt into passion and have the troubles of the my life become gone for that time. Someone who would accept that I am a female and have this hideous appendage that I despise so much. Hopefully I would return the passion, and make that person just as happy in the passion and sex department despite that appendage. To be treated respectfully as a woman and not a freak. As much as I state that I dont need it, I need it. If I had that, I am pretty sure some of my insecurities would drop away. They would be there yes, however, I would have a reason to be even more so Prim and proper in public and a wild crazy sex fiend at night, or even the day for that matter. To be on the couch and watch a movie in the arms of a loving and caring person. To end up in the throws of passion in the living room even though the sun is shining and the front door open. To meet my guy where ever and just melt at his sight, because he loves to be with me. To know that I am his world as much as he is mine. TO be the rock he needs as he is mine, and the watery giggly woman that would do anything for him because he is that special. To know that his kisses alone are all i need to flood my basement. To know thatI can kiss him and he gets his self excited as well. 

I think I have answered some of my questions now. I have to wonder what it feels like to have that. I am sure I will someday find that. I am also sure that if I do it would be grand. Maybe I am expecting to much. Is it that I could ever find that? I mean I have always wanted that and wanted a relationship of equal shared responsibilities at home and in life. A reason to come home and cook in the evenings and a reason to wake up in the mornings. a reason to just be me and as the best woman and protector of the home any man could ever ask for.

Well folks I gotta go get ready for work. I rambled way longer in my own head than i intended. I also actually got it on paper. Hope you all have a good day!!

Love Candi

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