2 July Journal

Good Sunday Morning Folks. The sun is rather hit and mis today so far. Clouds in and out make for a wonderful sunrise. 

Life moves forward in Candi Land. I am getting rather televisioned out and need to do something more contructive like board games or restoring things or something small that I can do with out a shop like I used to have back home. My body just isnt being stimulated with my mind as it was before. I know this and it has been an issue since moving up here. Renting sucks and leaves very little space for doing projects a little at a time. Being alone means large projects that need to be moved out doors for certain parts of the tasks I want to do, means that doing them will not happen very fast if at all. Becoming a woman, also means I do not have the strength to move some of those Items alone either. But I can say that the knowledge to find a way to move them, and to get the jobs done is still there. Just because I am a woman doesnt mean I am an IDIOT> LMAO…… or am I? 

Anyways as my wife and I separate our lives and belongings, it is becoming very costly for me. A new Kitchen table has/had to be bought, and a new couch as well. A few other things are having to be purchased as well. I have learned that furniture is expensive these days. BUt also I can fine stuff that needs some minor repairs and refinishing to make the costs less. However, a couch is not one of the things I wish to get second hand unless its clean and tidy. I do not want other peoples who knows what in my house for me to sit on. I will sit on lawn furniture first if it comes down to it. Even some of the lawn furniture is expensive.

On the HRT Front My body continues to change. Amount and types of food likes and dislikes and what it affects has totally changed. Breasts are growing and still even more, the mind is changing. How the world is viewed has changed. Seeing the differences in attitudes and what effects are made by hormones and up bringing. All these things I see now that were only a notice before, and only actually aI wonder why questions are now increasingly answered. The term the apple doesnt fall far from the tree is even more noticed these days VS what I had noticed before. The hopes that the apple will roll away from the tree is very rare indeed. I for one am muc like the maternal side in many ways more now than before, and still before transition more like the man who fathered me even though I never knew him at all. So some of my ideas also came from the man I call DAD. He is a very smart man and yet very opinionated on some things that I just never fully subscribed to even though some of it did come to me due to the way I raised. However, bucking the system and doing my thing my way comes from the maternal side more than I know. Even as a kid I was more my mothers kid than even my father or dads side. I have always leaned to the female things of life and at times was told “oh no you cant do/have that because you are a boy”. Anyway those days are over and I am me FINALLY. My skin has been changing, hair growing and the way the sun reacts to my skin is much different. I am thinking I need a change of soap. Moistureizing soap is probably what I need. I am in need of lotion now compared to before. This time of year I usually do not need lotion on my skin. But this year is different. My tastes in decor I am not sure has changed much as I was in most cases always able to really decorate, but funds prevented much of what I want to do. The more feminine side of creativity has been coming more and more to fruition also. Finding more ways to be cute on the tiny budget I have. Lastly, My views on men has greatly changed. seeng the fighting side of testosterone is powerful in many men. But the softness of the woman tames it in some cases. The men and the things of chemical make up that makes the who they are is appealing even more so in my face. The ideas of being with a man as a “gay” person was always there in some ways. However, I never wanted to be a guy a with a man in a relationship. I wanted always to be the woman in a relationship and take care of my man. I also see the kindness in many a men and see that beauty in a female will bring a man to his knees. But the Sight of a man tends to do that to ladies also. However the intuitiveness of us ladies makes things a bit tough for the male in many cases. Anyway back on track here, I have always wanted t be in the homemaker area of life. It wasnt meant to be this far in my life. Well, at least in the way I envisioned. But that could happen for the latter part of my life now. Yet, I am not sure I truly want to do that either. I am enjoying my single alone life. I do want a boyfriend that is local and will be at my beck and call to help out in a great deal of ways. But short of that I am not sure I want to deal with the unstable, superior thoughts of the male ways. Though that could always be changed. But I do love my alone time, my peace and quiet. Its come over years and years. MAybe one of the reasons my marriages have failed. But Also I dont wanna get up in the middle of the night and either sit on a wet toilet seat, or worse, fall into the toilet due to the seat being left up. So yeah I may want somethings in a male, but need other things in myself. I have learned in the last 4 months that no one is as important as taking care of oneself. With that I do have kids and grandkid that i do adore very muchly so. Even more so now that the hormones has changed a few things of the thought process that was semi mentioned above. 

Well folks, I do need to end this post here. I had some other things to discuss, but, I guess it wasnt on my prioity list or wasnt as important as I thought at the time I started writing this. I hope you all have a great day and if you are off until wednesday, a great long weekend. 

Love Candi

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