18 June Journal

Good Sunday Morning Folks. Yesterday was a damn busy day. Some historacle stuff happened for the day. One of the sweetest of the gentlemen callers has came from another state to see me. More on that later. 

HAPPY FATHERS DAY to all the fathers out there. I am actually in a pretty good mood for not being a father anymore. At least at the time of wrting this and thinking about where my place in the world is now. I am glad for the father and DADS that were great to their kids and that they remember to talk to their fathers. I hope all the Dads and Fathers have a wonderful fathers day.

So yesterday I was with a gentleman caller and we went to Dyess Arkansas. Which, for those who care, is the boyhood home of Johhny Cash. The whole “colony” was similar to the area I know as Thurber in back in texas. But this was a government thing to rejuvenate the eastern portion of Arkansas and help get some of the farmers back on their feet from a severe flood, then an extreme drought known as the “dust bowl”. We did get to tour the home he grew up in. It was really cool. I did realize that their home was rather fancy for the time. Running water in the kitchen, a bath tub and sink in the house with running water as well. The house in and of itself was rather small by oour standards today and yet for then of modest size and had pretty good eminities for the day. No Closests in the house other than the pantry for the canned goods. BUt it was really cool. 

In other news I was with my gentleman caller all weekend thus far. He is still here. Being that he is on a limited income and really cannot afford to stay in a motel hime self, I allowed him to stay here. I slept on the couch mostly and no sex has occured. He has had something happen several years ago and he has some physical issues that he is still attempting to learn how to deal with. He is a very sweet person and He has fallen head over heels with me. I am not sure how to accept this for a variety of reasons. He requires assisting care quite regularly all day. As we spent out day out and about yesterday I realized I am way to fast in my movements and thought and speach than he is. Even as we sit here on the couch this morning he has had the shakes in his hands that he spille coffee on himself, the couch and the floor. I had to clean that up and come up with a way to get him more comfy and not spill coffee without a super mess. He seems to be very appreciative to me and also very frustrated that he cannot keep up the way he used to before his accident. I do like him probably more than I am letting my self see. My actions show me that I am liking him more than I expected. However, I also do not feel I am ready for for the type of commitment that will be required to be this man. Though I have been commited to him this weekend for the duration of this weekend. Some how or another I have remembered what he likes and doesnt on his food. I hsve ordered his food, making sure that it was correct. I do not know why this has happened and has been “automatic”. Its kinda scary to me actually. I also know that he isnt stupid, or anything like that. He is also having to learn that I am not a sack of bricks to be man handled. His hugs and kisses and holding hands is like wrestling a gorilla. I had to talk to him about this last night. He has softened his touch. The other thing that happened last night is that he refered to me as a he rather than she. This kinda set me in a mood and when asked about the day I explained the issue. He was very appologetic for that. So in all this he is very sweet and yet that he is, for lack of better words, “needy”. My life is 100 mph and his is like 10 MPH. I dont know if I am attempting to talk myself into or out of a relationship with this guy. I also wonder why I was placed into his care or he mine. Why did we meet? What is held in store for us? Like i said I am not sure I am ready for the commitment required for this relationship. He is willing to go broke for me and I am not wanting that either. I tell him that repeatedly. We were at the store to get him a bathing suit and he wanted to buy me something. I was like no I dont need it. I told him that he was on a fixed income and that I have what I need. He was insistant on buying something. So i found a cute btahing suit cover, and then after putting it on later, realized that it was more cute than expected for such things. IT wasnt expensive and yet I could wear it to go out in. He was happy to do so, just what seemed to be to happy to do so. Lastly he has two kids, a daughter at about 23-26 years old and a son in his thirties. His daughter seems to be ok with the fact that I am trans. His son not so much and they had an argument about it thursday evening and friday morning. I told him that the loss of your kid(s) is not worth having me in your life. He argued back at me that he didnt care. I was and still am holding strong to that. He needs to keep his family. His wife of 33.5 years passed away about a year and half ago. I feel that maybe he is just desparate and I am not liking that much at all, or am I? I also foud some blood on his pillow yesterday. I got worried and checked him. I even got his phone last night and sent a text to his daughter to let her know what I found and to ensure that he gets to the doctor when he gets home. Turns out his left ear is bleeding and last night there was some, but he still needs to be check out. 

I do not know where this is going and I am trying to not think about it to much. However I do know I need me time as well. So far there is not going to be any that I can see if I stay with this fellow. It will all be him and what his needs are to stay alive and maintain a healthy way of life. BUt at what cost to me will that come. But I can tell you this; I am learning something about myself in this and it has been rather wonderful in a way. Frustrating in others and hopeful in others. However I still must ponder and think on what I have in front of me and try to figure out what it is that I am to be learning here, and what I am to do about the relationship of there is to be one. 

Hope you all have great day. The weather is rather uncertain today and I am not sure that the softball games will come to fruition or not. 

Love Candi

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