23 May journal

Good morning folks it’s Tuesday and yes I’m at work. I feel better but still not up to where i should be. I’m still trying to narrow down what’s gotten me ill. I still do not feel like it’s gone but like i said i do feel better.

So I’m short handed one person this morning. That’s gonna make for a crap day on top of the stuff i needed to do yesterday while i was sleeping off and On all day.

Today is the 12 month Mark or one year since i started hrt. Sometimes i wonder if I’m better or worse off by making this final, 40+ year old decision. In some ways yes i am, others i think not. But maybe it’s really just me being to hard on myself about my appearance, how i think others see me and a host of other self complaints or fears that unjustified. I’ve been told by some that i look wonderful and beautiful. Others see me as a dude with long hair. I guess that may be because they knew me before transition. Being referred to as he and sir and him, is a real sore spot that i do attempt to ignore in some cases. But i do know i sure do not look like a sir 98%of the time. What gets me more than anything is they look right at me and say it. I’ve also thought on a career change in among all this. I’m not sure I’ll be able to. It would require that i go back to school and start over. I really do not want that extra bill hanging over my head. I also just don’t have the time doing this job I’m in. I do make a living and do pay my bills as best as i can.

One of the things i need to do, is stop, i mean stop feeling sorry for myself. I think that’s one of the reasons I’m probably sick and feeling sick all the time. Because i don’t do anything. I sit all day at work, i sit when i get home and i pout, be lonely, and cry. So what that boils down to is me being pathetic about my self.

Now it’s Wednesday, and as i think about what I’ve written and a conversation with someone, i see a few things that I’m guilty of. One is the fact i keep looking backwards. What is wrong with me? I tell other folks to not go through life looking backwards at where they been. Now here i am doing the very thing that i tell others not to. So I’ve said it to myself a million times. Look and go forward. If i don’t I’m just going to kill myself. I’ve been told by my wife, my ex wife and others have told me go forth and be you, be happy and free. I did that at first when wifey first left. Then i remember her getting upset that i was happy and free. I let myself mourn and have yet to actually get out of it for longer than a few days. I feel sometimes I’m still living for her and to keep her. I know it won’t happen yet I’m not going forth and being me and being happy. The fight a and the worry and work to get where i am to be me finally, I’m letting go to the wayside for keeping, or attempting to, someone who doesn’t want me with them. I have no idea why I’m punishing my self, i wanted, no, needed to be where I’m at. So yes Candi, it’s time to get going, it’s time to move forward again, it’s time to shine. So stop making excuses why not and just fucking do it.

Well folks it’s time to get ready for work. I’ve got things to do as usual. Hope you all have a great day!

Love Candi

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