21 May Journal

Good MOrning Folks, It is sunday. Cloudy and cool my A/C is back in the off position even though I have not really had it on. I have it set at like 79 just to break the humidity when needed. Short of that I am not running it if it isnt absolutely NEEDED! Yes I yelled the end of that. But the purpose of this post isnt that, its about a better thing in my life.

May 23, will mark exactly 12 months, one year since starting HRT. It has been a crazy ride full of heartbreak, emotional break downs and finally, a love of my self. As I was puttin my make up on today and was thinking about the past, I can remember that I did not like shaving my face. Why you ask? Because I had to look at a male face that I despised. I hated looking at my self in the mirror, I didnt like what i saw and sure needed some change. When the military required that I shave everyday, I hated it, for the reasons mentioned above.  So over the last couple of years I have made great strides in learning and accepting myself and not pushing who I am down into the deep bowels of my being. I am no longer attempting to fit in as the person I was told i had to be. More now I am being who I am meant to be and am way, way more comfortable with myself than have ever been in my 40+ years of existance. Then this last year has been a real kicker in the tush. I had to decide to take the next step into being who I really am. I Started on the hormones a year ago. Then as the first few months went by, my wife decided in mid-july that couldnt be with me, then again in september, and finally March this year she made her own leap to a better life. In September I had finally told my parents and siblings. Parents did not like it one bit, neither did my brother. My sister faired well for a few months and has since left me alone as well. So thats a total thus far of 5 folks who will not having anything to do with me. One still does only because we share things in a house and storage and a marriage license. When all that is split out and the divorce finished, I am sure that she wont have much to do with me either. We are already drifting apart and do not speak as much as we used. I think the sight of each other makes us sad.maybe that sadness is sign, because for me its isnt anger. I think part of our separation and pending divorce is the fact that, in December, I  changed my name and gender leagally just about everywhere except my texas birth certificate. There are few things left to do, I do think that is the icing on the cake to force my wife to leave me. Among all the reasons that think that was the biggest. I realize we all have lives and things to do, but even the friends I had spoke to on a regular basis, have also seemed to dissapear. Leaving me in a house alone with no one to speak to and lean on when needed. Now I am settling into my own routines alone. If the right person came along, that would be nice. I do not expect any of that as there is no one who cares to be with a freak of nature. That is what I have begun to call myself, A freak, carnival side show, what ever else can be came up with. In and among all this sadness is a great person who is learning who she truly is. She goes out and has yet to have a true bad experience while out and about. THe occasional days where “sir” seems to be the daily calling, I have started mostly ignoring that and when needed either just hang up the phone or walk away, leaving the purchase at the counter or the phone call unfinished. Actually i do not have that many issues. I have become the confident female and do my thing now days. I never really thought I would get here but here I am. My body has changed, my emotions, my feelings, how i am viewed and a host of things are now inherently female. Even my neighbor mows 75% of my yard for me. He would mow the rest but he cannot get his riding mower into the areas that I use the push mower. ITs actually pretty cool but takes me away from any exercise I would have normally gotten. I have had to change my diet as a female and as the hormones take charge of everything. The things I used to love, and still do, I cannot eat anymore. Extreme spicy stuff that was the staple of my diet has caused a number of issues in the urinary deparment. So I have had to cut back on that stuff, but otherwise I am good there. I do need more veggies and what not, I do end up eating more soup these days. Even some things I didnt ever like, I am now finding I like. Such as Certain types of foods with mushrooms, V-8 Juice, and who knows What I will experience next that I once dispised become liking. I see things different as well. Colors seem to be more available to my eyes, Smells and other things as well. Feelings in my fingers and body seem to be much different than they used to be. So yes I am loving myself, liek I said. I only wish I had done this sooner in my life. I guess I wasnt ready and wasnt meant to happen at that time.  I was sitting yesterday in a chair getting my nails done and just happened to notice that my hips and upper legs are increasingly more feminine looking. I am working on getting my weight back down. I gained about 8 pounds or so in the last couple of months and this last week, managed to take off about 3 of those pounds I had put back on. So I am doing that and stopping my smoking as well. Over the last three months I had increased my smoking to cope with the  stress. I have learned that the stress isnt worth the trouble. I do need someone to lean on in times of stress, but the cigarettes are not the place to find that stresss relief. Matter of fact they are the cause of even more stress and what Not. One of the other things that has been taking place is the fact I do not have the muscle I used to have. Even certain things that I do everyday seem to require more effort on my part. TO include lifting my skillets, dutch oven and even groceries to come into the house. I knew I would lose some yes, I just didnt realize that I would have lost that much so fast it seems. That is another item that requires relearning. Last thing on this agenda today, Boys. Yes I have actually said it. I have always liked certain types of the male persuasion in a capacity that i never spoke about. It is more so now days, I guess partly because I dont have to hide that a woman wants a male. Being a boy, in my raising, liking a boy is rather taboo. With the exception of my own, I have had a fasination with the make sex organ. Watching porn flicks, I was always and still am jealous of the girl who has the cock. The pleasure that is given and the control she can have over him, or him her. The idea of bringing a male to his knees in a way no one else can has been a dream of mine for a lifetime. I do know I need some practice, but it is where I want to be. I need it actually but as I stated in past posts, I am in no super hurry to just hop into bed with just anyone. There are a few guys that when I see them, I flood my basement and just wanna desparately want to be in bed with. But that will maybe happen in time.

Well folks that is about it for now. I have cooked breakfast, dinner, played softball and bathed. Did laundry which i still need to put away, and wahsed the dishes, which I still need to put away. Wow its 8pm and i need to get into bed. Hope you all have a great evening.

Love Candi

One Comment Add yours

  1. Selina says:

    you are NOT a freak or anything else!!! 😒😒😒😒😒 You are a BEAUTIFUL woman who deserves better than she has gotten and who is due for some goodness!


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