6 May Journal

Good saturday morning folks. ITs a beautful day and I really need to get up and spend some time outside as is my nature. I neeed to get busy doing some things I have put off. I am feeling pretty good today for a change. It is a crazy world we have and well, you cannot change it. Though you can change your little part of it. Thats my plan so far, change my part and be the happiest of happy for me!

Yesterday morning was a bad morning. I fell apart, i was aparently very tired, or depressed or both or something. I almost placed myself back into the box. I was so close to that. Somehow a person I am deeply connected to texted me way early yesterday morning and we talked. Somehow I calmed down and nixed that idea. I do not know why I get to the feeling of being so critical of myself and what pains I have caused. The idea of back pedaling seems to be the answer and honestly its really not. BUt now I am ok. I will probably fall apart gain at some point but if I watch what I am doing and besure i get my rest as needed, I will be perfectly fine. I am still learning of my new found self. It is taking  a bit to get used to the fact that I am not the same person who I was once. I am a female now and as I learn more and more of that, I see that, I need my sleep, I need my routines, and I need the structure and support that only a few people may be able to provide. 

To be able to provide me that support and and structure, I finally decided to sit and look into a few things. I did much research on Zodiac signs. I never placed much thought or stock into that before. However looking at the past relationships and the failures, seeing where the zodiacs fall of each one I can see why they failed. I had attempted to date a lady many years ago that was also a Virgo. She had said that Virgos should never date each other. Friendships are great with virgos as we see much of the world the same way. But that is where it actually ends i am sure. I have been married to two sagittarius’. Wonderful as they were at first, they both have ended. The second just now ending much for the same reasons the first did. My first marriage was a cancer, which is a good match yes. However we were both born in the year of the dog. That year of birth being the same has its issues as well. Meaning that all though we did hit it off it was rather short lived and as dogs do they wonder off. So I spent this morning researching the signs of Chinese, western sun signs and native american zodiacs. I have come to the conclusions of the following months, Capricorn and Taurus aka, Goose and Beaver. With the years of Pig, Tiger, horse, ox and rabbit. Pig being excellent and tiger next in line. So there is where and what I am looking for. There are others that may work yet I am not hanging my cowgirl hat on those others very haphazardly. I do not wanna be a failure again in this. I am more emotional and feeling than i once was. Well I say that, actually i am more open to pay attention to the emotions and feelings i have than before. The ability to keep all that choked down isnt as easy as it used to be. I will say that Mistress was a very close match. Extremely close. Some years she was a capricorn, but a sagittarius mostly. So looking at her, if had she been born one year and one day later, we would have been a loving couple even today. I think that is why its hurts me so much because I do love her deeper than any other person in my life to date. Still it wasnt meant to be and I need to hold my head up. I will be fine since I am learning more and more of who I am and who or what I need. I do plan on maintaining my friendship with Mistress and her predecessor, They have been a great help to me even if they do not believe it, or I havnt shown it. My first wife, well, we never talk anymore unless there is an issue that requires both of us for our kids, which are grown and on their own. So there will not be much talking between the two of us. Even though I have forgiven her and my self for the wrong doings we had towards eachother.

Well Folks, I need to get going on what I need to do for the day. I hope you all have a great day and enjoy it to the fullest. I am sure going to try. 

Love Candi

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