5 May Journal

Good Friday Morning Folks! ITs cold and wet here. Still raining this morning and doesnt appear that it will stop anytime soon. We are in the midst of a storm system that is covering a better part of the country that is east of the Mississppi River right now. THere is flooding in arkansas and they say the big muddy will be reaching or exceeding flood stage soon, soon being in the next few days. 

I am still worn out from being up to late wednesday night. That sleepiness has caught up with me and I was falling aprt last night. I began to cry over stuff and probably shouldnt. FEeling heavily that everything is fault is a sad thing to let get under your skin. There are many times that I wonder if transitioning was the right thing to do. I feel that way usually when I am sleepy and tired. Because those are the times that I really over analyze things. It makes me think or feel that now that I am a “freak of nature”, who is going to want to be with me? If my own family and spouse do not want to be around me who the hell is? Except for when I feel blue, I have no issues with myself, so why am i so hard on myself when I am in the dumps? I know I am capable and will get over those, aswell as this current hump. I just hate getting into the slump and having to crawl out. Getting tired is the hardest of them all. 

Yesterday I had a coversation with some one and it has come to my attention that I pass the loggers test of passing in Washington state. How about that? So why am i so hard on myself? Because I am a virgo, overly critical of my self and to busy striving for the unobtainable, perfection. But I keep trying and try ing and trying ……….. I know I am not perfect and never will be, however I keep attempting to reach that state. What do I get? Misery….lol.

I Am guessing that a relationship just is never going to work for me. I know thats a sad way to feel. However, I Do need to get over what ever it is that is making me feel that way. Maybe i do have the stuff it takes, but, it sure is hard to let it out. Always has been for some reason. I have been told it is the way I was raised, or could it be somethingn different. Could it be that the fact everytime i have let the true me out or pieces have come out, that people chastized me? I Mean my own family made fun of me for my Kitchen love, and desire to maternal nature folks. Though when I did let the maternal nature of healing come out i was looked and told I was wrong or wierd or what ever it was. Now that I am embracing that side of me instead of hiding it, it sure seems that I am getting nothing but misery. Maybe it is just me that causing all this to myself. THat is usually the issue with most folks to include myself. Making things more than what they are. 

Well folks I do need to get busy on getting ready for work. Now that I am getting woke up and a cup of coffee in me. I need to head head out end meet the rain and cold of the day. Get my work day completed and off to the grocery and other shopping stuff and then home to settle in for the night. There will be no going out for me for the forseeable future as there is more bills than paycheck. The hopes for a rich person to come love me and steal me away from my misery of bills is in my head. Never gonna happen LOL. Have a great and wonderful day folks. IF you are in the rainy areas today, Try not to let it get you the blues. 

TTFN
LOve Candi

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