23 April Journal

Good morning folks IT is SUNDAY. It is cold in comparison to where we were a few days ago. in the 40s is cold comapred to 60s and 80s. I have not ran the heat or the A/C in a month, and it is still not on. The house is warm enough and a pair of socks on my feet with my pajamas I am comfy. With no coffee when I started typing this earlier, I got up to get my coffee and smoke a cig with my coffee, I lost what I had wrote. MAybe it wasnt meant to be published the way I wrote it.

I have been having issues waking up still tired, wornout and cannot get moving with out at least one cup of coffee, though usually two. With that I feel that I must be stressing about something. Family, Friends, siblings, my kids, my past that I cannot seem to forget due to things I have done or not done, most importantly work. I think work is stressing me out more than I realize. But the previous mentioned things are strong on my mind and I am thinking that I still have yet to come to terms with where I was, why, and what for I was there. It is surely affecting my present and my inability to move forward. I still have so much to process and deal with. Yet, I am dealing with them in the true fashion I have. Holding them forever seems to be the way I am. I can forgive others, barely forgive myself, and yet never ever seem to forget things. The latter is what is destroying me. I surely need to forget a thing or two, or at the very least forgive myself for it or whom ever it was I need to do that with.

The past has been affect my ability to move forward and have relationship again. I am feeling that I have stepped up and had a relatioship three times, swung and struck out in the last inning. So with that, like base ball I am out. I need my alone time i know. I also think i need someone in my life to love and care for me, or do I? I am afraid to get into any game of relationships. I have caused so much pain and lost so many times that I do not feel that I need to be involved with anyone again. At least not on that level. Even as a friend i was worthless. I always asked for help but never gave, with the exception of my family. I was always helping family just to attempt to fit in and be part of them. WHen in reality, i was trying to hide me and it hurt only me for the longest time. But on the relationship thing, I am not sure I want one with a male, as I was one and know where the brain of a male usually is. With a female, Not sure it will work as I cannot provide what is needed. I do not have the working parts that a female would enjoy. Now thats not saying that all genders fall into the catagories listed. What is really and issue, I failed three times, I am not wishing to get into the game of relationships again for fear of failing again. Failing again is inevitable if I do not get me right. Getting me right has been the most difficult of things to do of all this transition. Transitioning has been getting me straightend out. I am so much happier, usually. Lately it sure doesnt seem like it though. 

In speaking to a few friends here and there, and seeing a story on CBS Sunday morning, I am learning who I am. BAsically I am a teenage girl going through puberty again. As rewiring of the mind and body is happening through HRT, my needs and desires are slowly changing and the memories of the past flood in as well. That leaves me where I am lost. I am guess we all go through this during transition. So I need to figure out what that is I need and want, possibly finally for lack of better words, succumb to where I need to be and stop fighting on it. I do not have kids at home anymore, and I have prettyy much gotten a few things in order otherwise. Maybe it is time to move forward and stop dwelling on the past. Still the fear of rejection, which has happened, fear of failing or being abused is a thing that i have a hard time puttin out of my head. 

With all that, I guess I am off to get my shower, go the grocery, and come back to finish up laundry and do some work things that need doing. I have to get that done. Seeing as there is no Softball again today for wet fields I have some time to rest and relax. Not sure if I will do anything else but this is what is on the agenda so far today. So I hope you all have a great day today and I am surely gonna try to. Screw that, I am going toooooooo!!! 

Love Candi

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