9 April Journal

Good Sunny Sunday folks, I am doing much better than I had been. I am not really sure what happened, but i do not feel stressed like i did only a afew days ago. IT is rather funny about how that works sometimes isnt it? 

Yesterday I did something else in LIU of writing a post. It went a long ways to easing my mind of the stress and pain I have had. It was not illeagle so do not get all bent out of shape on that. OH yes I did do one thing illeagle, 110 MPH on two wheels is also a good way to leave your troubles in the wind. Actually I went to an ancient Indian area here locally. I did some very serious thinking and questioning asking the ancestors for guidance. I left with a much different outlook on my life.

There will always be stress in our lives, that will not change. However, what can change is the fact of doing something about it. It doesnt matter where in this word you are or how you are, stress needs to be learned and dealt with. No one can just let it be the way it has always been it solves nothing. We have to speak up and we have to deal with it. One of the issues Mistress and I have had, and I guess thats how we managed to make 14 years together, is we never really spoke about what we truly needed. We Did do some things, we did listen here and there somewhat, but I am not blaming either one of us totally. Maybe we learned a valuable lesson. You see, we both had parents who rarely showed any emotion good or bad. We did not learn to be open to others by speaking out and saying “I like (or hate) something”. When we did not like something or fell out of the Normalacy box we were chastized. That in turn led us to bottling things up. YEars and years of bottling up our deepest darkes desires, from child hood through adult life really did take its toll on both of us.We wanted to fit in with our families so we stayed quiet about so many things. Me personally, tried and tried to let my true self out. Sadly, Everytime I tried, I was chastised and pushed it deeper down. I had pushed so much of me into hiding that I was bursting at the seams. That bursting was something that came out as anger, yelling and what ever else that it manifested to. Those little out breaks were just the spillage of an over full cup of pain, allowing ust enough space to calm down for a calm down for a time. Then recently, the spillage was not enough. The cup or what ever you wish to call it, was cracking, then finally broke. I had to transition to a female, and finally be me at what ever costs to be happy. What I did learn over the course of the last month or so is, If you arent happy with yourself, you mostlikely will not be happy with anyone in your life. Always finding fault, getting irritated about stuff and what ever. It isnt a healty relationship and it isnt healthy for the individuals.

So folks I have finally, through a shit storm of pain and failures, over the course of 40+ years, finally learned to be me. To tell my self I am worth a crap, I am me and the gtreatest me I can be. IF you do not like me, oh well your loss. If you do and we mesh then by all means thats a great thing. ONe thing I am also doing, if I am stressed and know the cause of it, I am going to eliminate it. I am going to speak it out and if needed walk away. There is no reason to live stressed. Not anymore, I have to live for me and stress is not in the mix anymore. I cannot and will not live for or because of anyone ever again. I am however going to live happy, and “with” whomever it is. Even if it is just me alone and I live with only me, then that is what it will be. Not being forced or feeling obligated is where i need to be. Wth that if a person of significance comes along, and they want to do with and do things for because they want and are not feeling forced to, same with myself we will go there and see what happens. BUt stress is not going to be a part of my life. I dont think that I am saying the words correctly. 

anyways folks, I gotta get busy with the yard mowing and then off to the pharmacy and grocery and maybe the homedepot or what ever to find some pots for my plants. Otherwise I am going to be resting. Hope you all have agreat day!!!

Love Candi

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