At some point in our lives we all have to takea look at our selves and our life. Is where we are what we really want? Is it what we need? I’ve done that a hundred times in my own life. what i failed to see was whati need to be me. It came at costs to great to go through again, yet here I am.
Last nighti cried myself to sleep. I’ve not ever done that. I’ve gone to bed crying and stopped then fell asleep. But never likei said last night, waking up with dried tears on your face becomes a reality of true paini suppose. Since I’ve ignored the other signs of fatigue, back and neck pains, upset stomach, just about anything you can think of as warning signs I’ve totally ignored.
I’ve come to realize I’m better off being single. We came to discuss things last night, giving eachother the ability to come clean. Decisions were made and, though I’m full of doubt, fear, and hurt, it may very well be for the best. All I’ve done for the last few years is hurt my wife in my actions. Moving her away from home, fighting my self, not being the greatest of spouses or even friends even though she is my best friend. I took much of what she did for granted . Never showing the gratitude and love she so desperately needs. Maybe i can fix that. But it will take some time to do that. Like totally starting from scratch. However there will always be the doubt in her mind and that will be unhealthy for her. I cannot expect her to just forgive and forget. I’ve tried that myself and it really does not work. But I’d there isa chance, then we both have to forgive ourselves, and, eachother before we can even attempt to do that. If nothing else, maybe we can forgive, mostly her towards me and me towards myself, that we can remain best friends and talk about whatever and hang out without, judging. Just having fun. I miss her playing softball, she’s gottena hurt foot and cannot play. I’m not sure if she will be able to play this season. I hope she will at least be able to play some of it.
What I’m getting at here is love, can we think of love as just something to take for granted? Do we all become complacent about our spouse, that we forget to give them what they need and want in return for just being who they are, our LOVE? We should never take for granted anyone or their love and friendship. At the same time we should not forsake ourselves in the process. Love is a two way street. Being married requires communicate and committing to eachother not just the other person, but to yourself as well. if you don’t do both things it’ll never work. I know, been there done that three times now. Trust me i know.
I’ve spent allot of time doing whati thought was needed to prove my love. Don’t what was and then some required to get ahead. Sadly that was not enough as i forgot the romance and compassion and the little things that are needed every day to keep the flames burning. A little twig here and there can goa long ways to help that flame. Logs alone are hard to keep burning when you aren’t keeping the ashes pushed away and clean and helping it along with the smaller twigs. That’s something that is required no matter how long anyone has been together. Doesn’t matter if it’s two days or eighty years.
I need to go folks, gotta b get back to doing nothing. Lol have a great day