3 April journal

I started this post yesterday. Then ended up writing from a different piece of equipment.

I’m at the ball field, depressed and tearful. Mistress came out, i was glad to see her. However we do not know how the other feels. I’m in such a deep dark place that I’m not sure the light will come in again. Gosh, I’m trying but i just seem to be doing everything wrong.

So now it’s Monday. I don’t feel anything. One person called in sick, another cannot seem to fix things. I don’t really like doing for others that cannot figure out what’s going on, especially after they make claims of how good they are. Then to call me over a simple starting issue, come on now. Had to shut down a unit for safety concern this morning and that upset the operations people. Well sorry safety is safety and so they will just need to get over it. Fuck em! I also got a nasty gram from the ops regional manager about e-learning courses that i need to complete. I have no idea when the stuff he got says i didn’t do it. However I’ve already done it. And then what really gets my goat about it is that he didn’t include my supervisor when sending that out.
Well, I’m still stuck at this cross roads. We, Mistress and i both have to decide what’s best for ourselves and us. But first we have to fix ourselves. That is seemingly impossible right now for me. She has to give up the idea of a hetero sexual relationship to stay with me. I did not think that would have been as big a decision as it is. I do understand, yes, the lines of social norms are are now blurred. Not only is she to be labeled as a lesbian or gay, she has to deal with the fact that it’s also not that cut and dry. Mostly because i would be also her “exhusband” who’s now her wife. Because we both have to do one thing, whether we stay together or not, that’s let him go. I continue to hold pieces of him to make her feel better, which is actually destroying me. Trying to know what i should do is so difficult right now. I seemed to have it together, now, well, not so much. Sometimes i feel trapped, others i feel free, at least here lately. I was mostly feeling free for a good while. Now I’m just confused, one minute she wants me the next she doesn’t. I’m not even sure we can co-habitate anymore. I’m afraid it will be to much on both of us. So yes, we both have to decide something. Yes we need to accept what we decide. But our decision needs to be for ourselves, not for our because of the other one. If she is getting anywhere close to how i feel, then it’s not going to be an easy decision regardless. If we make the correct decision we will both be free and happy. What ever that is, i do hope that it is to at least be friends, close and good, even best no matter what. I do know that for me, i need complete and utter silence. No outside influences, no crazy over busy music. Native American powwow music, that’s what i need right now to decide. Something that will free my mind and cleanse my soul. That’s usually what i need about this time of year anyways. I also may go to chucalissa village this weekend. Visit some ancestoral remains of a village. I need to go there alone. I will after the meeting I’ve got to attend Saturday.

I think now I know my problem, I need my alone time and space. I got home cooked and am sitting here doing my check book then the TV is on. No noise, no rudeness, nothing. Just me time silence. I have no issues interacting with people, but when I get home, any visitor past about 2 days is a nuisance. There may be and I know of one person that could probably stay longer but there isnt very many. See, over the last month, I have gotten kinda set in my ways right now. I enjoy my night time silence and ability to just do what I need and not what anyone else needs. Yeah, I was out of sorts yesterday and I still am in many ways. I do have a visitor that I allowed to stay. She is in the front room on an army cot for her sleeping quarters. After a week, she is driving me plain nuts. There is a fifteen year age difference to my junior she is. But, I would rather have my daughter here for months than to have this lady here for more than this next week. I chose to help this lady out as she is having car issues and is a co worker. Taking her to work isnt really the issue, its having to go back and get her, and to deal with the lack of maturity on her part. But I am a softy and do not want anyone to fail, even if I am the one who fails because of it. I have had enough at this time. Because instead of relaxing and bathing and going to bed as needed, I will have to leave here in about 30 minutes to go pick her up. Soi picked her up and turned off the radio, then getting home, i turned off the television. No sense in having them on if she’s just gonna blast it out with her telephone and o Facebook visit videos. 

Well enough is enough. 

Well it’s Friday and I’ve got to pay this thing. I’ve been in suchs funk that I’ve really not we back and finished this. Honestly, as of today, I’m not in the frame of mind i was wheni started this post. Anyways havea great Friday, 


Love Candi

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