5 March Journal

Good Morning Folks It is humpday. Another long and grueling day at work is in store. Yuck! I so need a break from work as well.

YEsterday ended up being a day of driving all over the place to get parts for the idiot who cannot give me the right information. Not having the correct info leads out to basically garbage in and garbage out. People just do not understand that. What really gets my dander up, when someone toots their own horn about how good they are and then goes and proves how bad they are. I hate people like that. When someone comes along thinking they are are perfect, odds are they are far from it. Even those that are perfect or at least really good at things are not even as good as we make them out to be. They could be fighting all kinds of things that we do not even know about. So it is best to judge thee not. At least without facts to back it up.

I understand the above paragraph all to well. I am not perfect in anyway shape or form. Some people tend to think I am so strong and I feel way less than weak. Like this morning, I have not had the motivation to do anything. All I wanna do is sleep, and get some much needed rest. I did manage to get into bed on time last night and woke up exhausted. IF I get into bed and restfor the next few days I will be ok. I still have lots to get through and need that time to just reflect, forgive and hopefully look forward rather than bacwards. I do know that right now, i have been living in a matter such as this; driving the car down the freeway while paying more mind to whats going on the rearview mirror than what is in front of me. Yes, What is in the past needs to stay there. That is turning into the toughest thing. I Feel that to move forward I need to make amends or restitution for what I was. Maybe I do not need to do that. Maybe i do not need to explain myself. What I do need to do is forgive myself for what I have done and not done for me, and drop it, leave it in the past and stop reflecting so much on the past. Until I can do that for me, my marriage, my friends, family and life will never come together. I also ask myself what do I want to put people through? Do I want to hurt them? HAHA I already did that to nearly every person in my life at least once. I have lost so many times that right now, it is so hard to not look back and see what I have done and fear doing it again.

Currently I have created so much pain to my wife, tha I am not sure she will ever forgive me. I know that she feels it is her fault that I am this way. She also feels cheated and lied to. I can understand the latter becaus it is so true. I have cheated and lied in someway shape or form through 14 years together. I cheated her of who I truly am (and myself too), I cheated on her almost three years ago, for which I have not forgiven myself. I also have lied about what I feel, how I should be and what I really needed to do (transition). All of my wonderful feelings during my transition have been over shadowed by this tremendous pain of the present reflecting on the past. I still even now am not 100% honest with her, because I am not 100% honest with me I do feel. Anyways I am using the next few days to get right. I need this time to place my own painful past into the past for good. I know that it will not just go away, the memories will be there. I just need to accept forgive and stop dwelling on the things I coulda shoulda done. Do the things I need to do and move forward. Much of the time I feel life Superman in the 2nd superman movie with Christopher Reeve, Where in the junk yard superman and clark fight eachother. I hinestly thought I was done doing that, aparently I am not and hopefully this next few days will bring that to a halt.

I do hope you all have a great day. I am sure going to try and I am going to succeed some how or another. 

TTFN
Love Candi

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