Well folks it’s Friday. It’s also a day off reckoning for myself once again. I broke down once again last night. I just cannot seem to keep shooting emotions in check on some days and that really sucks. Last night was no exception. It started wheni was attempting to get my dad’s birth year. My folks aren’t returning calls or any other form of correction correspondence so i asked a friend to try and get the info. Since she saidi wanted to know it was met with resistance and the question still remained. I lost my coolness and started falling apart that was about two or three in the afternoon. Then a few other words were exchanged with her and my wife and i finally just ended up in the bathroom floor balling like a baby not able to move, and totally helpless. I managed to get my short lived bath while still crying and had to force myself to try and move to get out of the tub before i ended up drowning, lol. So i made it. Still a rough morning emotionally. Mostly because I’m so tired from work.
Otherwise folks I’m doing really good. Couldn’t actually complain about anything because it’s not worth the trouble. I do know that what ever it isi need to come to terms with, needs to be figured out, dealt with and moved on from. then I’ll be golden. Maybe that’s what bothers me. The fact thati did figure it out and did something about it, causing my family to hate me because unlike them, i chose to not hide who i am anymore. I spent so much time last night trying to find what was right in front of me. Or is it that I’m grasping at straws? Either way I need to really stop with the self analysis and just be me. But that’s part of what I am.
I do not know how i should identify, another post on here i read earlier today had me thinking about that. I am trans yes. Though i don’t identify as such due to i identify as female. I’ve beena female all my life and just didn’t show it. When i did, well i was out down for it. Even though at that time i wasn’t thinking or seeing that my actions or words were female. so the things i thought were normal, i ended up repressing and that turned into self hate and anger, which turned into treating others like crap. Now I’m bring hard on me for that lack of compassion in my past that caused so much hurt to others. Now all that is coming out. I sure wished it would hurry up, and be done with. I really do just wanna live, be Candice and happy. But i guess I’ve got to suffer through the pain i caused first. Apparently, it’s going to take time. I just need to cry, fall apart, hurt and get up the next day being free from the pain i left out in years the day before.
I do have lots of support. Even my wife is very supportive of me. Yes she left but in this, she had become more open to other things she hasn’t before. We are becoming closer in some ways now. Who knows what will happen between us. So long as we’re friends, Not holding grudges to eachother we’ll stay that way. Anyways i miss her regardless.
Well folks, I’ve rambled enough today. Hope you all havea great day.