25 March Journal

Good morning Lovelies, IT is SATURDAY. I am still tired after a thursday evening of softball practice, and then a a very long day yesterday at work. I just did not feel like cooking so I went to eat. Went to one of my favorite mom and pop hamburger joints and ate a pretty good hamburger, fries and tea. I did lots of people watching and then did some window shopping. I did stop prior and go to the record store and picked up a couple records. I did manage to find an original copy of an album that is little known by John Fogerty. I have the songs on a CD but to have the actual album on vinyl is a wonderful thing. That will will go to my collection of Mr. Fogerty’s carreer that I hope to someday have all of on vinyl, from the blue velvets to present. The record store I stopped at I was not really impressed with. Things are not as organized as I would like but I did not mind digging through stuff. Though if the labeling on the bins and what was in them matched would be so much better. Next I went to another store and picked up a cute little Froggy desk fan, and a froggy wind chime thingy that isnt really a windchime. The froggy is holding a flower and is on a spring to hang it from a nail. The belly glows in the dark. So little Ms. Froggy is hanging over the kitchen sink. 

So anyways, I am cleaning house again and trying to get the other 2 rooms and the rest room uncluttered. I also started onn recleaning what I had already cleaned to keep it that way. Keeping the maintenance of the stuff done. After Wednesday, I guess I can move to big closet with My clothing. I had to clean the ceiling fan in the living room as it was time to get the air to flow down, rather than my winter time up. It i getting a bit on the warm side here. So We need the actual air to flow a certain direction to keep from running tha Air Conditioning as long as possible. So basically I am in my pajamas cleaning house. No sense in getting all dolled up just yet only to clean house. 

I also need to catch up on reading the what happenings of my WP friends that I have not had time to read on daily ike i used to. These Three A.M. mornings and stasying busy all day leaves little to no time to catch up on certain things. Rarely do I have much time to look at the god awful face book. 

In all this shit storm of emotions, ups and downs of a failing relationship and being alone, I had a bit of time to realize that I just need to be single for a while, if not for the rest of my time as human on this planet. Yeah I will get out and do something, I am not going to be a depressed couch potatoe, thats for sure. I do hope to gain new friends that are close enough to hang out with regularly. Some that do not know of my male past. Yet, if they do, not hold me to a ower standard than the rest of the ladies in the group. The knowledge I have learned in my life did not go away with hormones and transitioning. I still know things many folks do not, and do not know things others do. THat is life regardless. Yes I have been hurting quite a bit lately due to the fact that change isnt just hard on the spouse or the family of a transperson, its hard on the trans person as well. Even though I have become so much happier with myself and where my life will hopefully go, its still got its days that leave me in the floor or bed balling like a baby for the loss I have to endure. You see, where the other persons involved may lose just one person, a transperson loses nearly everyone. That is a tough thing to deal with. Losing the supposed male friends, which is fine. Losing other friends, parents, siblings, spouse, coworkers that cannot cope and treat you differently, neighbors that do the same, attempts to get a job failing, Housing loss or cannot gain new quarters and I am sure the list goes on. I am lucky that some of these I have not experienced yet. However, the loss of people in my life has really taken a toll on my mentality, it hurts like a broken arm or stubbed toe in the middle of the night. I am learning one thing though, I am a stronger person than I thought, I have the ability to overcome this valley of death and climb the mountain of freedom and happiness. IT is all me it is never anyone elses job to support that, it has always been mine and I never saw it, until now. We all only need what is in ourselves to be strong, we just need to see it for ourselves some times. When we finally see it, we hope that the people in our lives will stay along to enjoy the ride. It doesnt matter where you fit in the spectrum of humanity, the power to be happy is inside all of us and I have learned that. With that, All it takes to ruin your life is some negativity, whether its inside ourselves or from an outside source, we have to recognize that and leave it behind no matter how bad it hurts. We Have to cry, and let out the emotions, and learn to laugh and be happy and not let the negative things control our lives and livelihood.

Well That is the end of this legnthy post. I had not intended to get into that last paragraph but felt I needed to dump out some things. True, I am sad, but, in this I am learning that happiness doesnt have to be forsaken for others.  I hope all have a great day!!! Its raining here and I am cleaning and doing my thing as it is nasty out. 

Love Candi

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