15 March Joural, Past vs Future

Ya know folks, In all this transitioning stuff, I have had to learn something. Make peace with the past and leave it there, or there will be no future.

I had to do just that. I am still working on a few pieces of it but I hated alot about my llife and myself. As I have put some past hates and things to bed I feel much better as I do not need to worry about them anymore. Hell, I didnt need to worry about them annyways. I did however need to at least make peaace with the people that I had wronged and have pretty much done that. I have in the last couple of weeks, Finally come to accept my own wrong doings to my self and forgiven myself for those things. The attempts in various ways of killing myself. The way I felt about how I have treated some people. The self hate that has all but gone now. And a host of things that do not come to mind at the moment.

ITs been about 4 days since I started this post. And now even as I speak on this and reread what I have written. I realize that the past has to stay there. The world canot accept me as a female if I cannot accept me as one. I have to leasve him in the past no matter what. I am kinda rambling at this point. I have been spending my time alone becoming me in mind and spirit as well as My body. Just because your body changes doesnt mean your mind has changed as fast. The Neurological part of all this I do believe, is slower at adjusting. It does make me wonder thata this time apart from mistress is what we both needed. Not so much because we hate eachother or anything, but because we need time to ourselves to adjust to our new roles and accept how we truly are going to be in the world when we are out and about. 

Well it is Wednesday, and its about 0615. I really do not wish to go to work. I have so much stuff to do and its overwhelming. I sometimes think its the Hormones that have me feeling overwhelmed. BUt honestly, I just got disorganized. That is something I have to get into again. Being organized and not letting the guys overrun me. And this week has been the beginning of just that. The woman that isnt to be messed with. THere has to be a balance in this. And yet I do have to leave “him” behind and let her be the controlling factor in all this.

Well Folks I gotta go. I do need to get to work. Hope You all have a great day!

Love Candi

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