Because Of

I was speaking to a friend this evening about her Name and Gender change. She needed to know what to do. So i got the info and sent it off to her. Funny how people never seem to need me around unless they need help. That is part of the reason I left texas. All I did was live because of or for others. Which is the reason for the post here. 

Living because of or for others isnt a nice life to live actually. Nothing you do is ever for you. It is always for someone else. I did that for better than 20 years with my parents, kids and whom ever. I rarely did what i wanted to in a sense. Yes I did much of it because I wanted to. I wanted to be accepted some how or another from these people. Many of the things i did was from love, or lack there of towards myself. I hated myself and wanted others to like what i hated. Its no wonder I did not have any friends. Which I was fine with for the most part. 

Even my wife it seems turned out to be a live for, which I really really liked. She is the most beautiful person in my life. She has had the same troubles I have had. Always living for or because of others, including me and the kids. 

Much of our troubles in our marriage is just that. We never lived with each other a whole lot, yeah we did but not like we should have. We lived for each other and because of each other and others. That did not build a very good foundation for a relationship. Which if we get to start over, we will definately have to do just that, live with each other, because we want to, because we love each other. 

Now back to my friend and myself. As a trans person we usually have spent alot of time living for others feelings. Hiding and never being ourselves and who we should have or need to be. So being an angry person we either live that way or finally find a way out through transition. But yet some of us, spend time during and even after, worrying about others feelings and thoughts. this isnt living, it being repressed, something we already did. So why dont we just live as ourselves? Fear, and its how we have been for all our lives mstly. So thats what we we do and shouldnt.

So in closing this out as shortly as I can, I myself have to learn one thing if I do not learn anything else. Live with, not because of ourselves. Live with our spouses. Learn to be free of our own repression and finally actually be happy and free. 

Love Candi

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