7 March Journal

Good morning folks it’s tuesday a I’m dragging today. I’ve been to bed late to days in a row. Last night I went to the local trans support group meeting. It’s better than it used to be. Still i don’t feel like I fit in with that younger crowd of folks. But still a way better experience than what we used to have there with the last facilitators. But the fact that it’s on a Monday at 7pm, makes it tough for me to attend more regular. I get Up to get ready for work at three am. Bed time comes rather early for me. So yes I’m a tired cookie today. Which leads me to the fact that I’m still full from last night’s dinner. Usually i am not by now in the mornings. 

Last night Mistress was seemingly short on her last conversation via text. This morning two texts from me have gone unanswered. But i suppose i deserve it for being stand offish last week. Funny how when the shoe changes get the feelings are different. Maybe she’s gotten to where she is OK. i hope so.

So it’s gotten cold again after a warm start to the morning and now train and cold North wind, yuck. I hope I don’t get sick from this shit. it’s no wonder we’re all messed up around here. This weather this year has been crazy. 

I get to wondering at times, am i cut out to be a supervisor? Many timesI think not. Yes i can do the work but, the feeling of failing is what makes me want to stop. The constant, well, babysitting is a drag. The hormones do not help that fact either. I just wished I could stop the internal insanity when things do go the way they are supposed to, due to folks who just do not want to do what is asked or by policy. I just need to learn to have no feelings at work, and have more feelings at home is what it boils up to. 

I am home dinner ate and kitchen cleaned up again. The shower is about to be next and as I worry about Mistress, I am gladd she isnt totally alone. I mean for her to be alone wouldnt be a good thing. Not that she could not handle it, its just tough on her to be alone. I remember that from when we were moving from texsa to tennessee. He being away from me was killing her then. Honestly I do not know how she survived it. Today though we are in a strange land, no family close, barely any friends for either of us, and I am glad she had someplace to go to attend to her feelings about me. Hopefully these people to dont make her angry at me and hopefully she is making her own mind up rather than someone else making it up for her. Either way the out come is not known at this time. Back to all I can ever say, I love her, I miss her, I am so sorry for all this that I have placed her into over the last couple years or so. ACtually our entire relationship has been one thing or another I have changed my mind on trying to get ahead. That has always left her to readjust time after time as I changed jobs. So Far as much as I want to I am not changing jobs right now. I do have a bunch of yay hoos i work with who couldnt find their ass with both hands, but its Mistress turn to find a better job and become more than she has ever been in the workplace. She deserves so much better than what I have seen her get. Maybe us splitting up is the change she needs to move ahead in her career. I do hope that she will see she is worth so much more than what she has been given in the job market, and maybe when she comes back to me she will be more ready to move ahead. Its all part of being a wonderfully loving couple as well. I do support her and hope she gets the position she has applied for. I do worry about her every day. Whether She sees it or not I do. Whether I say it or show it every day or not, I do most definately worry about her. And lastly I will love her forever and ever.

Well Folk I do need to go get my bath and get cleaned up for bed. I have all the intents in the world to be in bed here in about an hour. I am very tired and in need of rest. Have a great evening every one

Love Candi

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