6 March journal

Good morning folks, it’s already half a day done for Monday. For me anyways that is. It’s almost four hours into working. Nothing has gone right today. At least in the payroll department for gettinga few things done but that’sa whole other story. 

So I’m waiting on the dentist to open. I am scheduled for a cleaning today. I also have to discuss getting the rest of my teeth that need pulled how many and what the cost is and all that. Not exactly the best of things to think about. But i cannot change the fact the he all but destroyed t this body. SO i get to deal with it. And make it last longer. 

Yes, i do talk about my male self as third party. He isn’t in existence these days. His memories are very much my own yes. But his decisions have not been the greatest. And as i get to know myself once again, i get to clean up the damage. Lol funny isn’t it? I do the same thing at work from the “guys” in my position before me, clean up the mess, lol. It don’t come easy. 

Mistress was over yesterday. I was in the midst of cleaning when she arrived. But i was all but done for the day. We’ve talked about the future and mostly the past. I did say we both have to think about the future. I also wrotea letter to her. Letting her know that i cannot sit still and sulk my life away. It’s in no way a reflection of my love to her. That’s not ever going to change. I cannot stress that enough. I’m not wishing to move on, i keep telling her. It seems we are stuck. I know also, that this isn’t about love. It’s about the social normals that she needs to keep. I can’t force her to make a decision. that’s all her. Here i am sounding like a broken record. Like i said stuck. But when i live and do what i need to do to survive, paying bills, going riding and not able to immediately answer texts or the phone, it comes off as I’ve moved on from her point of view. When in fact I’ve not moved on from her, I’m just not sitting still doing nothing. I feel bad for her to dealing with the changes of me. I do remember trying to discuss all this with her but it seemed to fall on deaf ears at the time. but that is now a part of the past. Truthfully, It needs to stay there. So we will trudge ahead on this journey and still at this time not know where it will lead us. Hopefully Missoula Montana. 

Well I am at home now, its 1630 and the dinner is done, kitchen clean, excercises done for the day, attempted to repair my tail bag for my motor bike. I just got emails about the issue from this morning that i couldnt get fixed. They are wiating until the end of the day to attempt to help me then to tell me to see another person. All this had to be turned in by my supervisor before 8 am so he can do what he needs and get it to payroll by nine AM. Oh well If peple do not get paid its not my fault anymore. I am so freaking tired of getting through the channels I need to go through just to find out I need to see someone else and not them in the first place. I am rather done with this crap.

Well I hope you all have a great and wonderfull evening folks. I am about to shower and get into my jammies and veg out tonight. Maybe go to bed early I dont know. Maybe I will go to the trans support group tonight. Hum That sound like a good idea. 

Love Candi

2 Comments Add yours

  1. Selina says:

    I can’t even begin to say that I know what you and your Mistress are going through in this transition but I can say from reading your writings that you have strived to be honest and up front with your needs in this journey and that is something to be respected and admired. Hugs to both of you as your maneuver the twists and turns and prayers that you come out together and stronger than before.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. candicejune says:

      Thanks and that’s what I’m hoping for.

      Liked by 1 person

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