As I have moved from a Dual life of him during work hours and her in my non work hours to her full time, I have began to learn many things. Things I knew was to come. These things are much tougher than I thought at first. Yes I was prepared, but as a female that I sure wanted to be from a young age, I have become increasingly aware of male priveledge. BUt thats just the tip of the ice berg as I will attempt to get into here in this post that may get rather lengthy. As I write this, I am looking at my self from a third part point of view. Trying to detach from myself and analyze. Something I do quite often and have yet to place on paper in this manner.
I Pretty much have had to mourn my own death. Though in a silent manner I am mourning my own past and loss of what i had. Its rather hard to explain, but is like seeing yourself disappear in front of your own eyes yet you still exist in so many levels of life. As I started this transition I had to decide those things early on. He had to make the decisions to become her. He had to be willing to die. As I think about all that, I was already dead in so many ways as him. He was only existing and had been for many years by that point. Candice was always the one making the decisions to hide, and let the male born persona be out in the open. All he ever did was be the wrong body for the person deep inside. He was always trying to keep her down, or was it her keeping him up. As I think about my entire life, something that i have pieced and thought on so much in two years, it was her. AS I ve always been more into the feminine parts of life. The kitchen was where i was home at the holidays. The ladies/girls department, moms closet and dresser was always more relaxing than my own so called department. So for me Candice has aways been there. She has been the cook, cleaner and the smart one to keep the cars running and what ever else needed fixed. The vessel has always been a facade. I have always known I was messed up. It took forever to fgure it out it seems. But what it was was coming to terms with the fact I was to change into the butterfly from the caterpillar.
Candice has gotten to experience manythings as him. He has allowed so may things to be a part of her life. Though Candice didn tget to do what is inherently female such as bear children. That has her saddend more than can ever be said in words. But Candice has been so much that a female could not. She is proud of her accomplishments and ability to do those things. Without his body, she wouldnt be the person she is today. Without her mind, the body may not have survived. Yes, he was willing to die. He managed to attempt to by his own hand twice. Somehow it didnt happen, I am thinking she had something to do with that. So the military, fire service were another way to end this life, hopefully with honor. However, the Great Spirit saw that no harm would come to Candice as she struggled to get out. To be herself was to fight a fight that would either be the do or die fight of the vessels life (him) and the spirits life (her). In this fight and subsequent outcome, a casualty happened that was more than “him”. It was the Wife of him. Now she has to fight what she has to fight to accept or not the way things are now. I know Mistress has got to do it. But I am really having a hard time with it.
As I (Candice) have come to be myself, I have to learn so much that is not what I once expected. That has made certain pieces hard to accept on my own. One of those is learning to live My life and not his. He had his time and its time for her. She needed out for way to damn long. She has to learn how to deal with men in a totally different manner. Being the aggressor isnt the way now. Aggressivness has to come in some other form. She hasnt the strength he did. She also has something he didnt, emotions, which tend to get into the way. She also has boobs, which are still growing, and they are the death to many mens mentality. She has to learn to use those emotions and boobs, oh lets not forget the ass, to get the things she needs done, done or to have her way. I wonder if she can.
Over the course of the last week, Candi has had to become independant. At the time of writing of this post, which has taken a week, as She has been alone for the most part. She has been attempting to learn about herself as she has needed to. She needs to grow into her own and hope that her love will be able to accept that Candice has actually become Candice finally. The real thing is, as Candice has learned about herself, can Candice love the person of her life that has stood beside her in all that has come and gone. Will Candice be able to accept the love that in return that walked out? She has to find out for herself and that will have to come when its time.
What has is to come for both Her love and Candice has yet to be worked out between them. The fear of losing again is scary to them both. Trying to love again is not about actually loving, as the love that already exists isnt about to die. However they both have to learn to love eachother with the changes from him to her, and her. Lesbians, is that a life that both can handle? That is most definately not the way their relationship started. Its a hard path to walk, but they must both look at the future as Candice become more into her own and her love becomes to look at and love towards Candice and let the past go away.
As it stands at this moment, Candice has no intent of moving into another relationship. The current relationship isnt over. The fat lady hasnt sung yet and Candice is probably being all wrong in standing back while her love decides what is best for her. In the mean time Candice is letting go of her past and her other self, HIM. She has been cleaning the house and her mind. Trying to rid herself of the stress of a life that has been nothng but utter chaos. She feels that the life she had and the one to come are two very different lives all together. But transitioning from the previous life to the life ahead has been an issue of great stress. This stress has lead to many things of seemingly failed transitions. But all in all she is doing very well with all this. It is very painful for Candice to watch the pain she has caused to her love. Her lover has become resentful as Candice has been becoming herself and seemingly leaving her lover behind. Candice has had no intent to hurt her love. No wishes to be cold as ice, but that is what has happened as Candice has to protect herself in some way. She doenst want the end of the relationship. But some how as mentioned above, both parties have to let go. So this month, as they are apart, the love has to grow. The love has to be cherished in all its forms, all has to grow.
So as the month comes and goes we can only hope that Candice and her lover become closer than ever. That is what Candice really wants. She wants to survive the shit storm that is been the life of the last few years. ITs been tearing the foundation from Candice, and its tearing the foundation from her love. So as I learn what it means to be Me, Candice, and learn again to love the lover I have in my life. I hope she can become to trust Candice more than she trusted him. Even Though I havent been the most loving, I hope she understands that I am trying to relearn what I need to learn about myself. As I do so, its tough its hard, and what I need is time as much as she does. When this is all said and done, we WILL be stronger together than we ever were before.
PLease know I love yo verrrry Much and I am workong on me for a bit while you work on you. Then I plan to be ever more loving than you ever had from me.