OK folks so I’ve not really sat and written much about the goings on in the mental world of Candice since Mistress moved out on Sunday. There are many reasons for that. Primarily she has to make the decisions she needs to without outside intervention. Mostly from me. Do I miss her? Yes. Do i want her in my life? Yes. As a couple? Yes. Does she? I don’t know. Only she can answer that. But she has to answer her own questions. Can she believe in us? Can she accept me as I am? What do we, she, and i have to do to be all happy once again?
I can say we, we will both have to let the past go and start again. Learning loving and being more honest to eachother and ourselves. Our relationship Foundation is in need of repairs to get this started again correctly.
With the past as it is, and the future uncertain, are we both willing to let the past stay in the past? Can we keep those memories from interfering in our future together. They mean alot to me and that brings the question of how do I feel about them. Am I, or Mistress ready to move forward in a life together and keep those memories. I mean, truthfully I have been holding on to parts of “him” for Mistress sake. yet the parts she wants arent exactly what is available anymore. The male persona is all but a memory. Its hard to mourn the loss f a person who is in a sense still standing next you thoug in a different form (sort of and yes). She has to determine what she needs to do and I as well. Yes I have made my decisions and at the time knew all this would come up to be dealt with. I had a therapist appointment today. The jist of the conversation was I have to STOP pushing things away, under the rug, or deep into the bowls of soul. It becomes a pile of dirt that still has to be tended to and taken to the garbage as it manifests and becomes toxic. Mistress and I both are great at dealing with other peoples issues but never our own.
So as we, Mistress and I saat this evening and spoke on what we need. We had decided that (kinda sorta) that we need to spend much time searching ourselves as to what we need as individuals. To answer many of the questions above and probably then some. Do we need the stressors of eachother? Nope. We do need the love of eachother some how or another. Whether it be in friendship, or partners, we need do need that affection. I mean weve both spent a good long time together and it’s not just turned off, ever. I’m sure some people may disagree. But for me it’s impossible.
One of our issues is we both put others in front of ourselves. By doing that, that pile of dirt we need to deal with just gets bigger and bigger while we do what is needed for those in need. We both in our own little ways have done just that. Fur me everything has been justified some how or another to make ends meet in the long run. To give the family what is needed mostly. But Mistress has always given of her complete self for what ever reasons more than I ever could. I honestly think the dirt pile finally has consumed her. Now, I need to supprort her in anyway possible. I only hope I can do it right. By doing that, we may make it through this storm. If had I been more supportive to her before as “him” she wouldnt be in this crazy mess. That I know isnt entirely true. She would still be dealing with me as I go through this. But maybe I would have been more able to help her cope with it. THere are so many maybes that I cannot see straight.
The thing to do at this time is to move on. WE have to spend this time apart to get in touch with ourself. Evaluate the love we have and to determine what, or should I say if, we can support and accept eachother even though these changes have occured. Though we do miss each other, are missing eachother because we are all we’ve had for fourteen years? OR is it truly a heart felt desire that is forcing the missing eachother pain.
So as we both move forward, and we become ourselves to learn if we love, need and really want to be together, we will both have to let go of the past. Letting go of what was and grow. We can either grow into this together, or we wont survive.
I have another post to start on this. About different things in my head and myself. This post was for us, and will hopefully help us both get through a few things. Till the next time I see her, I love her, I miss her please be safe.