28 February Journal

Well folks its tuesday. at least it isnt Monday. I hope today doesnt go like yesterday. I do have some things on my mind though that may or may not be relevant to someones life. 

Loneliness, its a sad thing and for some reason I made it through day one of not having my love, my bestest friend with me. At least until i try to write this. I was honestly too busy to give it notice. Until she did not come home. That is when I started to worry if she was truly ok. 14 years of bliss, life, and love just doesnt go away in the blinkof an eye. I sure didnt let it show much today, I hope that isnt a sign of an uncaring spouse. If it is I will never forgive myself. OR is it a sign of something else. Mostly i just didnt have any room in the day to process any of it. I am sure if had I heard something on the radio in the special department, I would have fell apart. 

Time is a great healer, its also a thing that allows the real feelings to truly manifest. That is what i am wanting. Not to be a bitch or anything but we need time to think. I think quite a bit in my alone time. It may very well be my down fall as well. But maybe not, who knows. This time apart we have is not because I chose another job, nor because I went to help someone or what ever. Its because this time we needed to reflect on ourselves and alone. Its most definately not the easiest thing I have done. Even transitioning is not as hard as having the last of my own personal normalcy go away. All because I have transistion(ing)(ed). Its a rather large change to family and others. But even ore so to my Wife. She has had to deal with every last bit of it. From learning I had a “problem” when we first met, to living my deep depression and self hate for 12 years and the fact that i cheated on her. Because “she” wanted sex. She (hey thats me I am speaking about here) has come out and learned to love my wife more than “he” Could. It was slowly showing as Mistress (wife) had to learn about Candice as much as Candice has had to learn about herself and Mistress. We both are fighting a battle inside outselves that has had to lead to being apart for at least a while to get to know ourselves again and eachother from another look from outside in of the other person. I personally am trying to get us both some true alone time, but technology keeps us together in many ways. It makes it rather tough to disengage.

I am taking a mental health day on thursday. I have a therapist appointment at nine am and plan on spedning the rest of the day with Mistress. How that works out I do not know. I sure hope its better than the last time i tried to take off turned into a real disaster. I sure do not want that again this week. All i can do is pray and hope.

So last night I wsa digging through some pics of me as a female over the last couple years. I must say now I see the changes even more so. 40 pounds heavier, in a male shape, to the female I see in the mirror today. OMG The changes. Its no wonder Mistress has been having issues. The Physical changes are astonishing and shocking. I personally hadnt seen them though i knew they were happening and saw a more a person I liked in the mirror, I attributed much of that to being a happy person and not a mad male trying to repress the real me. Yes I am much happier with my self, so much so I usually cannot contain it. There are moments that I see only a male in the mirror. That is the yuckiest thing I have seen. But it is still a part of me and will always be. No matter how much I change, pieces of my old self will always be evident in someways even if its oh so subtle. 

Well folks, I need to get off to work. I am already later than my usual start of the day. The last two days  stayed in bed for an extra hour. Its amazing how much thats helped my mentality. So with that I bid you all toodloo, Have a great day.

Love Candi

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