22 February Journal

Good Evening my lovelies, hope you all had a great day. Mine was blown apart as usual but thats getting to be a thing I do not wish to discuss anymore. Disussing things like that (which i am doing now) is so damn dpressing. Anyways, dinner is in the oven, another Candi baked dish in the dutch oven. WOW i hope this comes out pretty good. Smoked Sausage potatoes and some frozen stir fry starter veggies. MIxed in some seasonings and well lets pray. 

I made brownies on monday night as a going away present to one of the ladies at my old location. I hate to see she is leaving. BUt life trudges on an leaves us behind sometimes. I also had a baked spaghetti on moday night as well as the Brownies. And OMG those Brownies were the best batch I ever made. So gooey and soft, and yu yum chocolaty. Made wanna flood my basement with just the smell but add the melt in your mouth goodness, holy wow batman(batgirl). LOL

So ive been listening alot to bigband music. I like it, it does get a little old when “in the mood” plays three times in an hour but its a really catchy dancing tune. i could stand to have a date that will take me to a place that has that kinda music. I would love it so much but I am not sure where I could find a place like that myself. who knows what I am to do? 

So as I wait on dinner, which is nearly done now that I did a couple chores, I need to go check on it. Which isnt done. yet…. The taters aint done folks. But its smelling good.

THere isnt a whole lot going on other that work. Home life is kinda at a stalemate. We havent had an argument and the severe depression of my transition has really gotten mistress down. I did not stay broken up for to long. Its one of those things that I can either live stuck, or live forward being happy. I only wish I could find a way to help her through this all. Its really isnt that i want or need her to leave me, however if she chooses to then I am not about to stop her. It is her choice and hers alone. I have done all I can (though maybe not enough) to have her stay as a part of my life the way lovers should. I honestly think she is mourning the loss of “him” and is still getting used to the idea of Candice being here. I truly tried to get this through and spoken to her from the very begining of the idea of me transitioning. BUt there is nothing like living it to feel what truly needs felt and a decision made. Honestly I know it sucks a great deal, but, I could never know the loss like she has had to know it. Yes I have lost my parents and siblings, some friends, and about to lose mistress, but to lose the person you always known, and see them still there as a totally different person has to be hard on her. I have seemed a bit on the stand offish side with her lately. I guess I figure she needs her space to deal with this all. I do hold her, and attempt to show some kind of love towards her, but I know it isnt enough, yet i cannot push it on her until i feel from her she is ready. As I have stated before, I am loyal primarily. I also am not the greatest at showing affection to anyone. That isnt making it any easier either. I just cannot know how she really feels inside as she is the worlds greatest at not telling everything (like myself i suppose).

I know she will read this and I surely hope its taken wrong. I do have a part of me that would like for us to be apart for while. Maybe we will both learn the importance of eachother. At the same time I think its truly over (NOT). Though with that said, I cannot see a future with any one else. There is no other people i my mind to spend spend the rest of my life with. In the past I have seen a future knowing it was truly over. Here in the now, there isnt a future without her. Hopefully she can see past the current sorrow and see a life together. But if its not meant to be, I will stay true to my own promise to myself, be alone til death. There may be a fling here or there, i am not sure, but, I stand by my vows of eternal devotion to her in my heart.

Well Folks, Dinner is ready, Waiting for Mistress to get home. I think she should be here soon. I hope you all have a great evening. 

TTFN
Love Candi

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