20 February journal

Well folks it’s that dreaded Monday again. More and more stacked on my plate. Like Ive got nothing to freaking do at work already. But that’s life i suppose. More and more micro managment.

So there came a battle of wits yesterday. Really it wasn’t a battle. But major decisions. As we try to learn to live apart/together, it’s too much for both of us. My issues about three years ago and the transition had really taken it’s toll on mistress. I hate that it did. I’ve not been the best spouse in thirteen years, but who really is? As Candice I’m better but still, it doesn’t change that she wants him. I had hoped for so much more than a thirteen year marriage but in true me fashion I’ve managed to screw that up. I’ve always had this gender dysphoria. Its caused much pain to me and to others. Two ex wives and now possibly a third. The third isn’t completely over yet. But she is planning on moving out this weekend. I truly hope we both learn something and it’s short lived. But what if it’s truly done? So i stop living? I know for a time i will. Do i stop being Candice? Hell no, i waited to damn long to get here. If had i done this back in my teens or twenties maybe just maybe i could have spared some people a lot of grief and pain. Not just myself but at least two lovely people. But, in some ways i wasnt smart enough to figure that out. Candice cannot go away. Candice stays no matter what happens. 

I have been out of sorts lately. For the cruddy posts of depression I am sorry. They surely will not be the last of them in my life on this bloggin thing. Or in my life in general. It does help to get it out though the venue should not always be here. Maybe its best to keep things inside. NOT!!! Thats why I am a wreck now as it is. I may put it here, but, I never ever post it on the FB. I dig through the FB and usually give up on it after about ten minutes. Sometimes there is something cool and interesting. BUt I sure do not live my life over what is or isnt on facebook. Facebook always seems to stir up trouble in my opinion.

Well Folks Its bed time. I plan on passing out here shortly. Three in the morning comes way to damn fast and I am trying to get out of that normalcy into a real time for having a life outside of work at the same time every one else does. But i do not think that will happen very fast as i have been years and years of getting up at 3 and 4 in the morning.Have a great night follks!

Love Candi

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