Well, I guess what I thought was a strong love, just isnt strong enough. It appears I will be a bachlorette now. The details arent there, but that is what is going to happen. The box of social norms is way stronger than the love and time spent together over 14 years. So As I attempt to learn to be me alone, I have to fight tears and hurt to go with it. I dont see much in the future at this sime other than work. The world is going to continue to turn and the daylight come eachday. though my world will be dark for the ret of days on this planet.
I have no intentions nor do I see any ideas of moving into another relationship. I had decided years and years ago this was the last relationship i would ever have. If it were to ever fall apart, I was done. The pain is to great on me. With all the loss I have had in the past year or so, I dont think i can commit to the possibility of losing again. I am sure it is paining Mistress as well to decide this but I have to words, no fight, left to attempt to try and keep her. I do not know if she truely knows that I am totally destroyed right now. I am trying to stay strong and open in front of her but dont know how long I can continue keep this facade up. I just wanna die.
I am sure that the pain will leave someday. BUt until then, all i can do is cry alone, fake it, and pretend. So I have to adjust to so many things right now. Work changes of being a supervisor and what the company requires of it, being Candice and female, and being alone. The latter is the icing on the cake of stress to break me so badly that I havent touched any of the work I need to do. I am not sure I want to leave the house tomorrow, I didnt want to to today. I feel like a loser and an ugly person. I feel every negative thought that can be thought about oneself.
I also have to think of this; all the things I wanted and needed I am finally getting. Theings I have had, I am losing. I guess its to much to ask to have my anything my male persona had and be female as well. Thats akin to having your cake and eating it too. Damned if you do, damned if you dont. So I in reality I have to learn to accept the female role I am becoming and needed all my life. With that I have to understand that I am the inferior sex, and live with the fact I am not what I once was. I also have to know that maintaining a relationship that was part of me before transition is way out of the question.
So how do i move forward and become me, be alone, and be happy? I have no freaking Idea. I am not into chasing folks in the relationship department. In this new role of femininity, I guess I need to be chased. I need to be available? hard to get? a tease? Hell I dont have a clue. However, I am not looking, and I surely dont have my heart either. Its been ripped out and isnt up for giving, renting or selling away. So as I am lost and vulnerable, I will attempt to find my way through the rest of life. Alone, as I am not worthy of such a love again.