2February Journal

Good Morning Folks. Its thursday. So I think. I finally hit the total fall of tired and stress. Two days of 15+ hours and who knows what coming at me from every direction took its toll. I told two fellow supervisors and my lead mechanic I was probably going to be late today. The world keeps turning whether I am tired, or not, dead or not. But I am  no good if I have reached point break. 

So today I got to work about 8 and left around 330. I am still worn out as I still havent learned to let go. I let people stress me out and though I was better at it today, i wasnt ready to let go of what ever it is I need to let go. I did not complete what was needed and am wondering if maybe i have my standards set to high. I am learning that the things Male could do, like stay up for hours on end, and maintain some kind of stamina for the whole day like other folks did. I never was much on the staying up for hours on end, th0ugh i could do it for a few days with little sleep. Today, I cannot do that. One thing i have learned is that Candice needs to be Candice and not my male self and stop attempting to do what was Maleself ways of doing things. Candice has to be herself and in many ways she (I) am. I have been learning that I do not have to accept what is. I have learned that I dont have to get the shakes if I feel i have upset someone and a fight may ensue. Why? Because, I just dont have to be scared anymore like my male persona was. The other things I am really trying to get a true grasp and forward motion on is the Jar. Yeah you’re lost now. The jar is your life. Adding the larger rocks, then the pebbles and then the sand you fill the jar efficiently. As a Mechanic I am good at doing that. IN my personal life i am somewhat good at doing. As a supervisor, I suck at it. I try to fit the sand, then the rocks and still attempt to place the larger rocks into that jar it just doesnt fit. so then you fill the jar with alcohol to fill the voids. Thats how you fill your day. But I am learning to find the important items and bust those larger rocks down and be able to fit more pebbles and sand in. as it all comes together, the fun times represented by the alcohol doesnt have as much space to fill yet yuo still know that there is time to spend enoying with family a friedns. 

No I cannot type today, and yesterday was way worse. As the stress, more than I am accustomed to, is working me over I am tired as hell. So I am off to bed and going to try and get some rest. Hope you all have a great evening 


LOVE Candi

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