The Box

I have started this post way back in october and failed to post it. So I made a few changes and added a couple things, so now I am working it again.

Well folks, have you ever played in a box as a kid? That tiny space could be anything you wanted. A space ship, Fire truck, your camp, your world. Imagine if you would staying in that box for 20 or even thirty years. I stayed in mine about 32 years to be exact. Even if it is psycological. Especially over the last two weeks I had to recount so many places that all this may have came up and been an issue beginning that i did not see at those times. Though i will state that the time of my life that it became a conscience issue to count I was 14. That was a long time ago. But the memories of some other stuff relating to this transgender thing goes back even further. Even when i spilled out what was going on to another person, came out to another person. I had to explain a few things, and we discussed the issue of having come out back in the 80s or 90s. It would have been a bad thing due to society. Putting this trans girl into a 30+ year box of her own world. Hiding, it became so much a part of me that i didnt know me from ME. I lost myself in there. The box turned to bricks, and no one even me could penetrate it. I couldnt get out and others couldnt get in. Last year at this time I was tear the walls of that box down. Brick by brick, tear by tear, i got them torn down. Found my need, sought therapy, and made the all important decision to affect the rest of my life came to be.  

Well, that the box has been burst wide open. Everyone in my life knows that I am transitioning. Some are happy, some sad, some I think still in shock. Even I am still a bit in shock. But I am happy. The bricks a ramble tamble mess of clutter in the back woods of my mind. All still have to be cleaned up. Which is much better and easier than I thought it would have been. The mortar and bricks do make a mess of things. The nice tidy box of hiding and being what everyone else wanted seemed to be so safe. In actuallity it was a destruction process. One that may have literally killed me in the physical sense. I was already dead in the psycological sense, and had been for decades. Recently, with in the last two weeks to be exact, the box got torn down, like I said at the beginning of this paragraph. My folks got my letter, we had a phone call about transitioning, then that same day my sister and brother in the same day. Monday was my boss and friday was the Front office manager. Then yesterday was my second ex, who already knew. We wound up on the phone for like ever. I am so glad all that is over. My daughter, sister, wife, and ex are all friends on face book. So last evening I made a post, two pictures of me. Enfemme, I placed those on face book, with a note stating that, “Since the word is out, Here i am folks, no more hiding.” And since then, well, I have not beein happier. I am not in that box, i am not hiding, and i am not mad at the world. I actually feel weightless and never thought I would feel this good in my life. 

Now I am not stating that things are perfect. Nothing is perfect. Perfection is road and not a destination. Yet, everthing is perfect. I still have a ways to go to get to where I need to be in the legal and physical. However its a lot better than a just a few weeks ago. AS I straighten up the bricks, clean things and work on building my psycological house, rather than a fortress, I am finding it to be more welcoming to others, and my self. There is still a large world inside my self. There is many memories that pop up as I am cleaning. I do have a therapist appointment on wednesday. To discuss many of the things that have happened over the last few weeks. Finally I am free and happy, did I say that already? I will probably say it more and more, and then I will be back to my new normal.

Normal now that normal is completely different in January than it was in October at the start of this post. I began this post back in october and all but this paragraph has been written then. The new normal is full time fem, name changed and being called Candice by nearly everyone. I am legally Candice, my name has been changed at work, bank, and most every other place I deal with. I have fallen into a different box. Male privledge is not part of that much anymore. As I have changed my name at various places, the attitude has changed. I Am now a dumb woman. Little do they know that women know things. THey and we arent as stupid as one may think we are. We are more apt to make decision based on feelings rather than fact, well sometimes. I am still a fact based person. I have experienced male privledge in reverse. Having parts of weight carried for me a couple times. Doors held open and the I want your body stares. I ahve also had compliments on my nails, clothes and make up. I have had dirty looks and what not by those who pegged me as trans, yet no words spoken to me or any physical nonsense. With all that I cannot really complain to much though i still have lots to do and plenty to still change in my world. I have learned that attitude is a key to how people will interact with you. If you got a bad attitude, then yes you’re placed in to a box of disgust and treated ill well. Then the other ways is great. I have had bad days and wondered why i was pegged. ONly to look at my self see i am looking like crap and obviously male. No amount of make up can cover a bad day, lol. Then we have to add the other part of this new box. We have to add the clothing choices and accessory issues that all have to match some how. Blue fingernail polish with blue work clothes is just to much blue. Stud earrings are boring yet practical and the daily week wear as danglies arent allowed in my profession. I have yet to experience some of the other issues relating to male privledge and female oppression. I have though noticed in mannerisms how males are so able to start a fight with no words, and put a woman in her place in the same manner. I have seen how women try to stop fights and get things working without the need of postures and loudness that start a fight. I am sure I will have more to write later on the box of normalcy. But until then I am done here. 

Well folks, I have to end this rambing post of freedom. Known as the box, this post I hope will help trans and non-trans people understand what happens to people when they live in a box of internal fears and fights. We really need to just bust it down, do our thing and be ourselves. IF we all would learn that, then the world would be so much better. IF others could just understand how we fight inside, they may not hurt us so much either. II have plenty to do today and Hope this helps someone. Have a great Sunday Afternoone everyone.
Love Candice

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