As this is the last day of the year, I look back at my life this year. I’ve started this post Wednesday and decided to use it as a place to write my reflections as they come to mind. This post got rather long. I’m sorry folks.
We stayed this year as any other, new years eve party and a resolution to be happy. Then a shooting star later, i started seeing a therapist. My wishes to star, my own like birthday candles. She told me much of what my wife had said, i have to decide and resolve to be who i truly am, and be happy. And the ever important statement, “those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” I’ve come to find that statement is true with the exception of family. Family does matter and they obviously mind. Maybe they will come around and accept me. After a few months of therapy, she asked if i had started HRT. I replied no, i needed her letter to do so. She told me no the doctor will ask for it. I said OK, and made an appointment with the endo.
During all that even after months of seeing the therapist, i still was scared of two things, being denied HRT and rejection of my wife. Even with that fear I marched forward in my long awaiting transition. The doctor’s visit went well as had subsequent visits. Beginning May 23 I started on hormones, aka HRT or hormone replacement therapy. I was instantly calmer. In more ways than one. My body, and mind were no longer fighting.
July my folks and sister came to see me and Mistress. We had a few days of fun, while i had to be a boy daily, with growing breasts and pain in that area, i managed through the weekend. I had intended to speak to mom and dad while they were here. However, my niece was also present and creating a stir and exposing her to this was not what i felt would be the best option. I let our weekend be event free and happy. I had decided to see my Therapist about some words that my niece used. She isn’t being brought up in an open minded environment like my sister claims. I asked the therapist about using my birthday in September to come out to them. She stated that it was actually to far out and should be sooner. But, i used my birthday anyway. i guess, actually i know, that what bothers me the most, is the fact I’ve not gotten a reply from my parents on the merry Christmas text i sent, but i can live with that. What’s being the hardest to live with and accept, the lack of a thank you for the gifts i sent. This has to hit the hardest. I’m trying my best to keep my head up. My sister did send a merry Christmas and unsolicited. I suppose my parents feel silence is golden or ignore it and it will go away. Sadly I’ve tried to ignore it, and no it didn’t go away. In fact it got quite worse.
The day came to talk verbally to my folks. Due to events, i just knew that they would be driving up and dad beating the tar out of me. But it was a phone call. That went south and not what i wanted however better than truly expected. But they cannot Wrapp their minds around it and to date, I’ve not heard much out of my family since. I got two replies from thanksgiving, one from my sister and one from my dad. But nothing else. We weren’t that close but they were there. Now they are not. And i get to deal with it. But yet, I’m not broken down over it as much as i sometimes lead on.
In and among this all the other stuff has been happening. The worry of my beautiful wife. Who, the week after my folks visit, went into the hospital. Turns out she had a heart attack. Not something. Wanted to hear. We made it through it and yet i couldn’t help but think it was my fault for this transitioning. It does put a strain on her. And a few weeks later, she had said she wanted leave. Heart attack and now leaving me? What a devistating blow to my mentality. I spent hours and days crying and thinking. Finally again i had to be happy for myself. But because of who i have in my life. She has to do the same. So i resolved to let her go if that’s what she really needed to do. And again in September the same resolution though minus the heart attack. This i figured was for the best of her health and caged love is no love at all. Somehow, in all of my rapid changes she has decided to stay. We’ve been having fun together for the first time in years. I still know that her leaving is an issue in my mind if no place else. But if that is to be, then i cannot and will not hold it back. I’ve spent many years and decades holding myself back with devistating results, that, i will not do that to anyone else.
In this and about this time last year, we had some friends who have since all but disappeared. I had hoped that for once, we and I would have had some friends to count on for a life time. They being another married couple, ended up with their own issues and have split up after a very lengthy marriage. I’m saddend over this for two reasons. I cannot help but think at the very least i or us are responsible for the breakup. And that Mistress and I have lost what we felt were special friends. I wish them well in each of their futures and hopeful that they will both find their own happiness. I miss them both terribly and sure want to hang out again. But i do not see that happening. The hatred that has ensued as a result causes strife in our own house. That is hardest thing to bear but maybe things will straighten out or another set of friends will come along. Though i am not holding my breath in wait.
My daughter and i have seemingly gotten along much better now. She has accepted that I’m who i am and we’re talking much more than we used to. My son, well i don’t know what holds in our future. As I’ve spoken to my daughter this last day or so, she is really excited and likes the me that i am. It’s taking some getting used to but she is OK with it. That’s really a wonderful thing for me.
As I’ve transitioned, and yes I’ve spoken on this quite often, is the mental freedom I’ve found. I’m not caged and angry anymore. Am i the same person i was? In some ways yes, in many others no. I’ve come to terms with my self and accepted it. I’ve learned that I myself, am important to me for a change. So is the love i share with my wife the sweet wonderful lady she is. For without her support I’d be dead long before now. In fact, i was dead in a way, and now I’m not. My body has changed, my mind is changing in done ways of thought and not in others. How I view the world in death and destruction has changed some. Maybe, I’m just a better person all the way around. Many folks do not understand that this internal battle of self acceptance and trying to fit in is rather difficult. Especially for those of us in my age group and older. We couldn’t talk about it in our childhoods. The teachings of the world then, i felt like a freak. Speaking of it and attempting to become what i knew i was all those years ago would have left me in ruin. But, so i ruined myself and my kids life by being self repressive, and hiding from not only the world, but from myself. As I’ve moved forward in all this must of the world has been open and accepting. I get a few dirty looks, and days of hello sir, but it’s been way better than most have stated. Work and other areas have been more than helpful. It’s been more about attitude. I know some trans people that have nothing but trouble. I know them fairly well and see that their attitude is sour and well, they recieve the same on return. That’s just life. That sour attitude i once had and yes, i got it in return. I never figured that out for decades. Then as I’ve become happy and all with my self, the world seemed better and brighter. The bad attitude i have was mostly gone and the good showed more, and i recieved it in return. Keeping my head up even in bad times had been tough until now. It’s all nothing more than something to work through. Life throws foul balls from time to time and we just have to get back at the plate and swing again.
I’ve also learned about make up, hair and dressing. Though I’m still working on the hair and some of my fashion sense, it’s a better than it once was. Make up, well, i went from looking like a clown to looking great. Granted some days are better than others. But i surely do not look like a clown. I’ve even learned that leaving the house even on a bad day, I’m not that bad and can look passable. walking, talking, sitting, eating all that plays into feminism. Boobs and butt out, belly and chin in. Head up and smiling. But of all this, something i mentioned before, the inherently masculine traits that control the world. these traits are very noticable to me now. I know i had some of them. But I’ve seen some of what i was and i cringe with shame. It’s no wonder we have wars, fights, and whatever else that is in the hate and what not that we know. Puffing up like a proud rooster and creating a stink, then wonder why the females walk away. I’ve also began experiencing, the loss of my male privilege. I have been a mechanic for close to thirty years. And recently took my car to the dealer for the usual oil change. They tried to sell me a thirty dollar rear wiper blade on a car that’s a year old and has about 25k it. How does the rear get so bad and yet the front with all the debris it sees not need replacing. Then take going to the parts house, as we used to call it. I go into the parts place and have to have a part number handy and state that my boy friend wants this part.
In the new year, i do plan on being me and happy, happier than ever. I also plan on trying to find a way to repair the loss my family. That’s going to be tough and i plan on not forcing anything. As much as i want to, i just can’t force it or push. But i do want them to learn who and what i am. How much happier I’ve become and how much better a person i am now. I plan on bringing more positivity to the locally trans society to others. No matter what place I’m at, being positive is the key. Just for those who are trans and in the closet, i should say this…. The cage you’re in now is way more constrictive than coming out. It’s hard to come out, i know. But the mental freedom, the real happiness and joy you feel is well worth the time and trouble. No longer living a dual life and feeling trapped, just being happy and yourself is the greatest of feelings in the world. I’ve tried many things to prove my worth as a male. I’ve been in the army, fire fighter, shop owner, and learned so many things that I’m capable of. But the one thing i never did, be me and who i am for fear of living alone and or with out family. But the coming out, had been the greatest thing I’ve ever done. The Benefits have definatly out weighed the costs. Yes certain things have hurt, the loss and all that stuff. But the new me is happy irregardless and genuinely so. I used to stay broken, hurt and depressed. Now, I’m not depressed, and broken, I’m whole. I do get hurt yes, but i surely don’t get broken over things like i used to.
So in closing this post, I’ve spent a full day with my daughter and grandson. She iis happy, I’m having fun. The boy is great and a three year old. I’ve not been around a three year old in over twenty years. Honestly, i don’t know how i dealt with it. I sure cannot now and am glad he is her issue and not mine on a daily basis. Lol. I also have written a letter to my family, mom dad and siblings. Basically describing my life of internal fighting and struggling and seeking a way to free myself of the “demon” I’ve carried all these years. Also, a way of closing my old life and becoming happy. Yeah I’ll still be hurt, but I’m definitely not and will refuse to be broken over their inability to accept or at least tolerate me and try.
With that have a great New year’s Eve and happy new years.