30 December journal

Good morning Americans, it’s Friday. The last Friday of the year called 2016. I went to bed at eight and woke up at four. Now I’m feeling so much better physically, reasons i won’t get into. 

My daughter and grandkid made it in rather earlier than expected yesrtday. I’ll tell ya, my daughter has really grown up in the maturity department. She was still a little girl in a woman’s body the last time i really spent time with her. But ya know, three years being a parent will do that to you. She does seem to be happy and has to turn the mean mom on at times. She isn’t afraid to pop his little backside of he gets unruly. Yet he gets to have his fun as well. they sure seem to have a very good relationship. I hope she can continue that. 

Well it’s going to be another busy day for me. I’ve got to get my rent check, and take that to the the office who knows nothing of me transitioning. I may want to keep it that way. I don’t want to be homeless, but it’s going to be hard to hide red finger nails with white tips. I may as well get it over with and change the name on the lease information. Another milestone, and another piece that will be behind me. Actually so far, everything has been pretty good except the car loan lady that i spoke to. 

In a conversation with my ex, who still speaks to my family somewhat regularly, i find out some info that came from my sister. It seems that they think this is just a passing phase, that will pass on in a year or so. Yes I’ve had my share of phases. All in an attempt to deal with my dysphoria, and prove my worth to them. Some how I’ve managed to stay pretty constant in my thoughts and actions. My ex said that she told my sister that “if this was a phase, why would (s)he go through the pain and risk of losing family and all? Would she go through the name change and ridicule and deal with all the stuff that she has been going through. She has been dealing with all this for a long time. Which had caused the chip on her shoulder and outbursts of hate and anger through the entire life cycle you’ve know her as him. If you’d all questions to her, get to know her again, you might find a true happy that you’ve never seen before. A joy in her voice and a love of life that she had never ever had.” Now i don’t know if my sister took all this to heart or not. it would be nice to have a real relationship with my family for once. However, I’ve never really had that and wouldn’t know how to deal with it. I do know that by the time they come around if ever, I’ll be way into transition, ha ha actually I’m already there, and will not appear to them as a male for any reason. I’ve had to come to terms with not being with them. Knowing that no matter what, they will not accept me being around them as a happy person of female persuasion. But as i think of the future, no one lives forever, and i will have to attend a funeral. This is a bothersome idea in my head right now. Will i be allowed by family to attend as me? Enough of that. 

Now the plans for today, might be the zoo or the children’s museum. I’ve not really decided. I wanted to go and take then to union city to discovery park America. It’s a wonderful place but we just do not have the funds to do that. Christmas kinda tapped us out. Rent is due, and so is a few other bills as is normal this time of the month. So with that, I’m going to fix my breakfast,  get showered and ready to meet the day with my daughter and grandson. 

Have a great day folks, sorry for such a dreary post. 


Love Candi

One Comment Add yours

  1. georgiakevin says:

    (((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))) i grow more impressed with you every time i read your posts! My heart goes out to you.

    Liked by 1 person

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