Good Afternoon Folks. ITs tuesday. Supposedly the temps are to plummet here in the next day or so. Back into low 20’s. That kind of thing happens this time of year i suppose.
I am at home now and pondering wishing my New Actual DL would show up. I have thought on a great deal of things here as of late. As my package of Chirstmas presents makes its way to Texas I hope the package isnt refused. It was shipped with my new name on the label for a variety of reasons. One of those being that the lady wanted my ID to get the address correct. Which has my new name on it as well. That led to my new name being on the label. Oh well, either it will or wont get refuse and maybe they keep it and be happy with what I got for them. A few things I have wanted to get for some years now and finally could get. Anyway we will see what happens.
I am at a loss for things to write today. I had some stuff pop into my head earlier and now it poofed away. I have been still reflecting on my past present and future. The future is a woman, the present is in some folks eyes a woman, others being the male i have been while some are still guessing. The past is well long gone and the angry ass I once was has pretty much all but vanished. Some of that is due to the fact the internal fight that was constant isnt there like it was at one time. I Still have my struggles, who doesnt, but the struggles are sometimes out side influences on the inside person who it still coming into her own. A cal i was on today I was addressed as male me, I quickly stated i killed that guy. I cannot believe that what i find when i see Candice on delivery packages and other things makes me smile so big and bold. Then some ass hole has to say ‘hi sir’. Then that high i am on just falls apart to a deep destructive path. I try to not let that stuff bother me. It really never did before last week. Maybe i didnt hear it or I was being a better person. Now it seems to be a knife into the chest when i hear it. I cannot understand what happened inside to create this. I mean all i did was go to court and change my name and get “approved” by the court and the state that I am a woman. All That is left is my SS card which I cannot wait to get done. I will live with the “sir” part until january. Then, I will be full time as a woman and will have by then, I hope, my new SS Card with my new name and stuff all assigned to it. Then I will be creating a stink when i hear “Sir” said to me.
As is always, and i dont speak much of it, I have been thinking of my son. I recently found out that he has been told of my transition. I am not sure how he feels about this. I do wish him well on everything he does. From what i am hearing he is making things work for himself. I know i have not spoken to him for several years and constantly wonder about his well being. We were never that close to eachother for one reason or another. Non of my kids and i were that close. I think it was the fact i had my internal fight to deal with along wth making sure they understood certain things about life and what is really the world outside of home. I have every intent as soon as I am done here writing, to write to him. I will be doing that today. I have needed to write to him for several years and now that i am not being an ass i can do it without chastising him over things i have hear him do.
My daughter is to be here in about two weeks from today. that being the monday after Christmas. She is well aware of me and how i am. We have grown a bit closer to eachother in the last few months. As she has become a mother and going to school and working she has grown very nicely in some ways and in others still a child. Yet we are all a bit a child n someways arent we?
The world reveals itself to us in stages and mysteriously at times. Those are things that my daughter an son are problably learning. I wasnt really smart enough to figure that out earlier in life. Because as any young male becoming an adult, we seem to know everything and as we grow, we learn that we knew nothing and realize we still dont know what we thought we knew. BUt it is up to us to keep learning no matter what. If we ever stop learning, well, I think we die.
Anyway folks I am off to write to my son. I need to get this done and wait.For the rest of my woes, well, they will disapate soon. I know I am more than a “dude in a dress”. And i guess that is why I get bent out of shape with “sir”. BUt I wll eventually get a response to retaliate on that. Maybe responding the opposite gender to the perpetrator is the way to go, ie> Thanks Sir to a woman and Thanks Ma’am to a male. HEHEHE OH i am so mean. Thats why i am Candice and not Candace. Note the ICE vs ACE. See I am icy not an ace lol. Well folks have a great evening.