9 October Journal

Its Sunday everyone! Like you really needed a reminder. But just in case you had a drunken night, well, you may need to remember that this is Sunday. The sun here is shining and the weather is really nice. My Coffee is completed for the day. I have painted my nails this morning already and am watching TV trying to decide on my brownie baking for the day. Different recipes and ideas in my head to attempt. I am trying to get away from the “box” brownies, moving to something more “Candified” lol. 

Mistress is sick, respritory infection, she feels like crap and is still asleep. We have done a lot of cuddling the last couple days. I hope things are getting better inside her head. All this stress has taken a toll on us both. But, we will see how things go. I am thinking we need to have some heart to heart talks today about our future together. I personally cannot see a future without her. Though I feel also it may happen. The future is never actually revealed to us even in meditation and visions. Only pieces parts of such. I have not seen a future with out her in it no matter how i look into the future. The visions are always with her in them. This proves a difficult thing when she states she wishes to leave. I cannot stop her, I cannot force her to do either decision it has to be hers no matter what. All this is due to my transition. Its really tough on everyone. Her the most, because she is physically here, and sees the little and big changes that have been happening. She says its a hard thing to watch. Felling she is losing me and being cheated. In many ways she is correct. In others she is wrong, because I am still here and still love her to no end. Oh how i have tried to move away from the feelings i deeply have for her. But those feelings dont change, and attempting to find a lover male or female, it just doesnt come with out guilt and shame. I am sure we will get throught this somehow or another and things will be what they will be. I know i have dwelled on this for a bit lately. It has been something that is tough to get over. Until a decision is made, its hard to move on i guess.

I think we are being lazy today. Not much to do since i already have been to the grocery on Friday. We tinkered about yesterday and went to bed early. Mistress slept about 13 hours. She really isnt feeling well to sleep that long. She does tend to sleep on the weekends, ust not that long. 

Well peoples, I ve got to get moving on what i want to do today. BAKING BROWNIES! I hope they turn out good. I hope i am better with that than some stuff i try to to. I usually try to be the best at everything I do. I am not that bad a cook either. Anyway, have a wonderful day everyone. 

Love Candi

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