3 October journal

Good Monday morning everyone. It’s looking like maybe a long day today. My employee called in sick before the day started. Things are all off this morning and well, i feel pretty good given the weekend I’ve had. Actually the weekend as a whole wande wasn’t that bad. It’s just been stressful. As does the life of being trans is. 

You know, i mentioned about when one person is transitioning, everyone in their life transitions. That’s really tough on people. Basically, we, that’s everyone including the trans person, has to adjust to everything. Personal experience has been teaching me that. How to help the others cope with a loss of the normal yet knew to the normal that is new, is really hard. Watching changes in personality from sad to happy is one of the better points. Yet the physical changes are what is really the toughest for those closest to them. With that change comes the idea of being cheated. they are in a sense cheated. By the premature kids of the person they knew. Although that loss isn’t real in the physical sense, it’s a very real emotional loss. For me this is happening. I can’t say that the outcome will be favorable to both of us, yet what i need to do is hold live and caress the love we have. Let her know i am still me regardless of the physical changes. The psychological changes i have, like being happy, cheerful and the other good aspects of my personality, have to re win the love that is there. It’s kinda like dating all over again. But, we still live in the same house. I will say that yes, i am changing. I hope it’s for the better in personality. I’ve been told that it has been a wonderful personality shift. So that new happy person has to become  someone that everyone will enjoy having around. I’ve got to find a way to let people know that I’m just me, and not in that black brick box of internal loneliness. I know from my own experiences that this change is rather tough to accept. To tolerate it and pretend to be happy is harder than most people realize. It took me 30+ years to accept and come to terms with my self. I cannot expect anyone else to do that in way less time. So in some deep thought, the new me has to win the acceptance of those closest to me. Prove that I’m worthy and still the same yet different person. Prove that my feelings haven’t and won’t change towards them.

 MY wife has this the hardest. Having to watch the beginning to the end. She’s really having a hard time. I really didn’t know how hard until recently. All i know to do is hold her, love her, and be me. We’ve had lots to discuss and come to terms with. This ain’t the movies, and this ain’t television. The reality is so much different. We’re working on this and there is no certainty on what will happen. I will have to accept it no matter what. I can only hope and pray it comes out the way i continue to envision. But if it doesn’t, then that is what is meant to be. Until the outcome is revealed, i will continue my morning rituals of kissing her while she sleeps, texting good morning and what ever else i can do to prove, I’m still hers and I’m still me and i still love her. I have some other ideas in store as well and will be implementing them today as well. Things i’ve gotten away from over the years. i never should have and it will start again today. 

Well people’s, it’s another workday and i really got to get moving. Hope you all have a great day. 

Ttfn

Love Candi

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