No not Independence in the since of our country. But today is the day I declare i am free of my self. Whether my folks got the letter or not, today being my birthday is the day I am free. Mentally i am Candice. No other way to be. I have been fighting for a great number of years this dysphoria I carry. If things go right, and this silly tablet doesn’t bleep my post out, this post will get posted.
Over the last year, I have had to decide and make a final decision on myself. I have done so several months ago, and now 4 months into HRT feel pretty good. I am happy with my body changes. I have a couple things in that department to wait for and save up for to make the transition a success in my book. However, Success is the mindset of being once and for all whole. This time last year, ridicule and dirty looks set me off in a terrible way. Those things now dont set me off that much. In fact, most times I dont get set off at all. I dont keep it bottled either. Speaking of bottled, I am not keeping me and my feelings bottled like I used to do. I am open and happy 90% of the time. The world, as crappy as it is is right with me. Yes I have my anxiety right now with the letter being mailed. But hey, that isnt going to change a damn thing. I am Candice, I always have been. So why did i spend so many, (20+), years trying to hide the fact I am a transperson. The things that made me feel the best, I spent all those years hiding. Today my hair is the longest its ever been in my entire life. That is so far the greatest feeling when my hair brushes my neck. I can’t wait for it to grow more and brush my back like the wig did. That was a wonderful feeling this time last year in a bar wearing a low cut dress.
Anywho, I did hide stuff about me for a long time. As with any trans person we live a life of lies and deciet. Sometimes only fooling ourselves, and others fooling everyone including ourselves.Its the best kept secret of the world until we finally come out to world. Then the world falls apart at times, other times the world accepts us. I cannot say what will happen in my future. Well I say that, but one thing will be said, I will be happy with me. The anger i held and the upsetness I get on occasion about stuff just comes in a brief spurt and then I am happy as lark.
Yesterday we signed up for Amazon. Only for one thing, the show called Transparent. We are watching season one. Not yet finished, it brought to light a whole host of things for both sides of the transgender spectrum. The sides being the transperson themselves, and the familiy and friends it affects. One of the best things i heard in the show so far, it sticks to me like a bad cold. When Maura states she is not dressing as a woman, she spent her life dressing as a man. I so very well understood that particular statement. I think some lights went off in my wifes head. I know also that some lights went off in my own head too. I still have lots of understanding to learn. Not only of myself and the changes to come, thats really the easy part. I still need to learn how to be understanding of the feelings of the ones close to me that this really will affect and can affect.
So today i have attempted to paint my fingernails. All i did was make a mess. I used to be good at it. Today I am having a fubar time getting them painted. Yes, I am going to work with painted nails. Nothing overly yelling and loud. Just a natural tone to spice up my day.
Well Folks, even though I am full of anxiety, I am happy. I hate to write this yet i have enjoyed writing this. I hope the future is as bright as my present. With that i end this post of independence. About all I have left to say, If you dont like me stay away, if you like me, well be my friend.
HAve a GReat evening everyone, I am going to attempt to paint my nails again. LOL