Today, I’m feeling a lot like a loser. Again yes. My wife is having to make tough choices. I’m going to have to make some too. If had you read my last post, you know that there are some health issues going on with her. All stress related.
Where is the stress? Well I’m one big and primary piece. Our friends marriage failing is another. Money is another, and then back to me again.
I still feel I need to go back into box and be buried. To save her and possibly her life by reducing the stress and changes that it does not seem she can handle. I so much want to “have my cake and eat it too”. But I’m not sure it’s healthy anymore. I feel i either continue transitioning and lose my bestest friend. Or, stop and just lose a piece of me that I’ve hidden for a long time. But at the same time I feel that either choice will destroy my wife. And not doing anything will do the same. I look back on my life, I see all I’ve done is cause pain. From child hood thru today, it’s all been pain for everyone. All because I can’t keep myself in check.
Every since my wife and I met I’ve wanted to be there for her, for anything. Yesterday I wasn’t there for her at the doc. Many times I didn’t console her as she needed it. Two years ago this summer I cheated on her. I will never be able to forgive myself for that. Some how she stayed with me. Then last summer I came out about how I really felt in side with this female part of me. She only knew of it, not how deep it ran. She once again felt like I had been lying to her for 12 years of our relationship. I understand that feeling. If only had i been More open and honest about this maybe she wouldn’t be feeling so stressed out. Maybe this would have been so much easier on her. Maybe this wouldnt be happening to her at all.
Then I see our friends. Their marriage failed. Why, I don’t 100% know. Is it me, is it because that’s what happens my life? Destruction of things that are good around me? Was it because we all fell into love with each other and now it’s become an all out battle of mental illness? I feel if had I not came into the picture of three people, their lives would be so much better.
Would they all be better off if I left. Find a hole to lie in until this bad karma that runs through me leaves? Should I walk away from the friends, stop transition and save my marriage and my wife’s life? I just don’t know the answers. I don’t even know if I can live with the answers either. Supposedly nothing is put front of us that we cannot handle. I sure hope that is true. I don’t think that wife walking away, or me walking away from her is the answer. But I still don’t know.
I really think I need a clearer sign of what I need to do. As I started this journey I n earnest a year ago, things were fine. Now with all the anti-trans stuff going around and the conflicts close to my heart, I wonder that’s the signs saying stop. For the first time in twenty years I feel like ending my entire being as a solution. I won’t do it but it’s crossed my mind for the first time. I don’t really understand why it is.
So I’m at a cross roads, along with a circle of close friends. Even though our friendship is now rocky too. My marriage close to teetering one direction or another. My friends marriage has teetered wrongly, friendships the same way. Honestly, I’m a bit scared I’m going to end up alone. Hiding in a closet never leaving home. only work and grocery. But I do want save my marriage, I do want to transition, but I am not sure I can have both. Only the great spirit knows that answer. So we have much more to discuss at home. It’s a day by day thing now. My love for her is strong, but if I must I’ll let her go. But that is something have to deal with when it comes. I don’t want to let her go. I want to cherish and love her for eternity. I know too I’ve not been that good at emotions until now.
I guess we’ll see what comes. Until next time,,,