22 March journal

Hey folks it’s me another crazy transgender weirdo, lol. You may ask, that with all the crap about us in the news and the “you’re a freak and don’t belong here” stuff going on, not to mention laws trying to be passed against us, why the hell would I or anyone else subject ourselves to this? The short answer is I don’t have a clue. There long answer, I and many others, just don’t feel like ourselves. Unless we are ourselves doing and being what we feel we are we just aren’t happy. I know because I have a lifetime of living, wondering why I’m mad or don’t feel right. Mom’s dresser was a place to feel right when I was a kid. Then I just could not find the outlet. An occasional get my wife’s something or other and put it on, but it never was enough. I as a kid didn’t know how to tell anyone what I felt. I didn’t know what I felt other than I was not feeling right. So into hiding I go, not really knowing what it was I was hiding. West Texas isn’t a place to find much of anything. Conservative parents, that taught you basically children are seen and not heard, don’t back sas and what was said is how it was. The world is ABC there isn’t room for xyz. So I couldn’t, for fear delve into self discovery. Who to blame for my problem? No one, not the church, not the parents or elders, just myself. I blame myself for not opening up. As I said yesterday, I didn’t be honest to my wife much less my self. Before you ask, no, I’m not in a funk or depressed. Just talking out my feelings.
Now I’ve known deep down in supposed to be a couple things. I’ve tried to be a hero, I’ve tried to be a great parent. Something else kept calling me though. I’ve gravitated towards femininity in clothes and stuff for a long time. I wonder now with me coming to terms with myself and all the stuff going on, if I’m supposed to help out an end to this discrimination stuff we have going on. But on light of that I must do what I’ve been doing, not discriminate against myself.
I have been told on the last few months by different people in the trans/crossdressing world they look up to me. I didn’t understand why. I asked one of them why, and they said because I’m doing. I still don’t think I’m worthy of being a role model for anyone. I find out recently a non trans person is adoring me. I don’t understand that either. I don’t want to have a big head like a certain person in the public’s eye. There is much to do in the trans world. Lots of obstacles that us common folks have to deal with. Things were can’t buy, things that hide in our minds, self acceptance and pity. How to be accepted and how to accept nonacceptance. The losses and gains. The whole enchilada that just cannot be bought or manipulated by us without stardom. Still how does a little old common person such as myself have a following when I’m not even out 100%? I suppose it doesn’t matter. So long as I’m being me and happy. Making correct decisions and not being an ass I guess it’s OK.
I’ve studied on myself quite a bit in the last 10 months or so. I’ve done so pretty heavily. That studying came, as I said,  with lots of ups and downs. I still have some downs nothing like I was having a couple months ago. My fear has changed to anxiety, I think is the right word. I’m so ready to move forward. Only one fear is my parents and siblings. But I’ve come to find I’ve didn’t much time living for them and because of them that I never dealt with my own internal and external problems.
I’ve come a long way from a picture of the past I remember. I can do my own make up, almost can do my own hair. My style of clothing is still not what others I know like. But I like practical clothes. I like certain styles. And as I’ve grown into my own style, I’m still learning what that is. Though I have a pretty good clue.
Lastly, none of this would be possible right now if it wasn’t for my super wife/Mistress. Her support had been the best I could ever ask for. I try to support her and find her support. But that’s a tough chore. There isn’t much in the way of support for the spouses. Doesn’t have to be a female spouse. Any spouses or significant other of a trans person has this issue. It really needs to be fixed.
Well I am supposing I’ve rambled enough now. I hope you all have a great day. I’m getting to work now.
Ttfn

Kisses Hugs & Love
Candice

2 Comments Add yours

  1. Wonderful musings. Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Candi June says:

      You’re welcome sweety 🙂

      Like

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