Becoming Candice

Good morning all. Yeah it’s not my normal journal entry. As I finally have been getting out of this medication induced funk, I find I’m the same person I was. Wanting that which makes me happiest. Not leaving out my Mistress wife, but I’ve been dumpy on myself for about 2 weeks now. Especially the last four or five days. More so because I feel I’m stuck with no forward progress. There has been no energy no desire no wanting, just wishing I was done. No not done with life but done becoming who I’ve held back for so long. I was doing so good at the happy until a few days after the antibiotics kicked in. Then I became an ass, a smart ass filled with crappy jokes and smart ass remarks. I guess I saw that unlady like attitude on Sunday and came crashing down. I’ve been down ever since. Except today in feeling a bit better. I’m not looking for a pity party, I’m looking for a way to be me. A fem fatale lol. No really I just want move forward. This time I’m not giving up. I’m not scared really just fearful of a few little details. But I think and feel I can do this. I still wish at times is sought out help in the past. Mistress has been doing s really good job at telling me to sit like a lady, and some other things that I’ve been neglecting. It’s actually boosted my spirits in that regard. But the last two days the real desire to do anything as been gone. I just wanted to sleep. Be left alone and have time to figure me out. I’ve wanted to wake up and be completed with a new life that I’ve been longing for. Build have to be paid and all that good stuff to, so I must trudge on. Yes I can choose to be happy and mostly I’ve been happy. I’m glad that this go around I’ve not fallen like I did a month or so ago and got really dark. Yeah I’ve had a passing thought of boxing up Candice and walking away, again. But the thoughts of failure stopped me. I don’t want to fail, or give up this time. I can’t, because it means I’m a quitter once again. I’m not giving up on Mistress, nor am I giving up on me. So here I am saying to myself, “load up the wagons, we are on our way again.” Yes we do have to stop and evaluate where we are. And no it shouldn’t be done by smart ass remarks, pity parties, and being an ass hole. It’s not really healthy for our relationship, nor is it healthy for friendships.
So as I stop repressing, and let me out of myself, I hope that the ones closest in my life will understand. Understand that as I’ve gotten better, I’ve still a little ways to go before I’m completely free and super happy. I thank them for the support to this point. Thanks in advance for the support I’ve not yet received. I’m here for you guys as well. I know it doesn’t show very well alot of the time. But I’m working on that too. It’s part of me and I just need to let it out.
With all that said, everyone have a great day! I know for me this will be better than the last few I’ve had.

Kisses Hugs & Love

One Comment Add yours

  1. i know how you feel (i think, anyway)… i often neglect to mention in my blog the effects that my medication has on me and the stress it may put on those you value most.
    keep your chin up, girl. i had a pretty shitty week too. we’ll make it ^_^


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