26 February Journal

Good morning Americans, it’s Friday. Yes finally we are here. It’s the weekend in a few hours. And two more doses of antibiotics left to take. I’m so ready. I’ve been a bit out of sorts due to that stuff to. Like being drunk and people keep moving the floor on you. I don’t really know how I’ve gotten through the week. Oh well I made it. Yay!
So I’ve been writing on my homework from the therapist this week. I found saving to my phone isn’t smart. I had s list of things she wanted and went to add some more, then typed over some. So I did the old way and wrote it on paper. As I thought about this assignment, I thought on how much of it applied to myself. It was positive characteristics I admire in others. I looked at my wife mostly. She is the most positive person I know. And those that know her, well, have nothing unkind to say. Then I wondered what this all had to do with transition. As I looked at myself I wondered one thing about me, happiness. Have I been truely happy on my life? Until recently I have to say no. I’ve constantly tried to find me. When I did, it was not in the best interests of keeping a family happy. That being siblings, parents, spouses, kids, others. So when I did find my happiness, I repressed it. Bits and pieces of me came out now and then, and, I would play it off. Shaved legs and underarms in the summer led to ridicule at times mostly from family. But I tried to hide it. Anyway, the needs to be me and come out of my shell got rather great during this past summer. I had to tell my wife what it was that’s been going through my head all these years. Even though it wasn’t told in the way it should have been, it was a tremendous weight off my shoulders. The door was opening. Since then I’ve fought myself, emotional ups and downs. It wasn’t until my wife told me that she had seen a happiness in me that she had never seen until then. When I’m being female me, I am apparently so much happier in my whole being. Especially lately. She is loving that super happy that I have going on. Actually I do to. I don’t feel like I’m hiding away in a cave. I’m just free. So that leads me to a few other things. As I’ve been coming out, of find myself more compassionate about things. More willing to be there for her instead of just being. I’ve still got work to do in that area but it’s there. I’m self accepting and more accepting of other people, I’m becoming cheerful. There are other things that I’ve always been, but nothing compares to the happy I’ve felt lately.
Finally, I know there is more work to do. Fear is a concern. Fear of loss, mostly of my wife. That fear had stopped me from so much of being myself that it’s not funny. Fear of failure, but I do persevere. Fear of telling a complete stranger how I feel, what I feel in order to get where I need to be. How do you tell a therapist what took years and years to tell yourself, not to mention your best friend (my wife). Especially when before when you said it, it led to disaster and divorce. How do you convince someone that 30+ years of hiding has to come out? Come out for the world to see finally. How to convince that person, that you’ve not been truly happy with yourself, your looks, and life? Well dammit I’m sure going to find a way. Because it’s time for this butterfly to come out and be beautiful. Not locked away in cocoon just waiting and being what others want.
Lastly, I want to say this. When I wear a new wedding ring set we got a couple weeks ago, yes it was cheap, I feel so happy that it represents my love for my wife and hers to me. I love showing it on my hand. It says to me that I have the most loving and caring wife and person in the world. I wear it always. I get to work and I take it off. I leave work and as soon as I’m in my vehicle it goes back on. I love the feminity of it, I love the person and the love it represents, I dont want to take it off. But I do. It’s so much more me and yes I carry my male wedding ring with me now unlike I used to. But I proudly wear the female one.
Ttfn

image

Sent to me by a friend. Just had to share. Yay!

Kisses Hugs & Love
Candice

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