8 February journal.

Good Monday mouthing every one. Yup that’s right it’s Monday. The day of days and one most people hate. I’m actually feeling much better today. Which is a good thing. I’m not not coughing like I was, thanks to Mistress’ expertise in finding a remedy at the pharmacy. I do not feel like a train ran me over either. Yet now my nose is running so I’m going to have to take off and catch it. That is if I can run that fast. Lol
Well maybe your team won in yesterday’s stupor bowl. Yeah I watched it sort of. I could have cared less who won. But I did get to get out of the house and spend time with Mistress and a few other folks. The turn out want all that great fit what was expected. But it was a decent time either way.
    But trying to have a blah post cuz in really tired of making those kinds of posts, but I need to get a final thing off my chest. I’m really done trying to have friends. I mean true count on when your blue friends. Other than Mistress I’ve never opened up to much to anyone. Not in years, as my supposed best friend in high school and my ex had relations while I was gone in the military. She and him hooked up every time I was deployed. That hurt alot as it wasn’t one but two people I cared for deeply left me hanging. One other good friend since was taken away by a girl who hates my wife. But I wasn’t all that chummy with home towards the end of our friendship that still holds on some how. He loves her and I’m not distraught over it as we still speak now and then. But recently I’ve fucked up. Opened my mouth with a couple that I hoped would be our best friends for ever. I suppose it was wishful thinking. We got close as foursome friendship really fast. We enjoyed our time together and I’ll never forget it. However the one constant is change. I opened up my heart to them, fully. Something I’ve not done in years and years. Even Mistress took years of prying to open me up. So whole heartedly, I was what I thought was a friend. When things went the wrong way and they walked away, I was devastated, again. I know it wasn’t intentional, things happen for a reason, this I know. Anyhow I can say I remember what it feels like to have a friend again, even if it’s lost. I still have Mistress. She’s the greatest person in my life. It was just nice to have another person (s) along for support when it was needed. But as this whole time has gone by and I’m feeling I did something wrong (maybe I did, may I didn’t but it didn’t matter now). I find myself closed up again. At least to every one but Mistress. I will say several walls to Mistress are opened up now. I thank then for that. But others will most likely not be let in. I’m done feeling, I’m done having what we call friendships. Why? Cuz when you lose, it just hurts to bad. Now I remember why I didn’t ever let folks in. Yeah I’ve helped people do things here and there, and hung out. But as I had my own secret that I couldn’t let out, I never let them in. As stated above about my high school best friend, loss is hard. So if you don’t have it you don’t lose it, you don’t get hurt. I know what is kind to walk my path alone. Folks kicked me out when I was 18. I did my life then for my wife at the time. Alone I was as I look back. But any ways, anyone looking to be my best friend, well sorry for your luck. It isn’t here. My wife/Mistress had all I am capable of giving. I’ll hang out with you, I’ll help you in some ways yes. Acquaintances is all we’ll be. Nothing more, it will spare you your feelings, and me mine to keep my walls up. That’s just how it has to be. The rock feels no pain, and an island never cries.
     Now last night we were out and I was full on fem mode. It was cool, I did get a few looks. But nothing said no snickers no nothing. It was great. I think it has to do with my confidence. If you’re shy and skittish, people pick up on it and ride that wave. I don’t worry too much about it anymore. I just go to places on an accepting part of town, sometimes not. And just simply be me however I present. Many times my presentation is androgynous to spare Mistress any discomfort. But short of that I’m cool with going out. Especially when I don’t have to wear a wig. That’s a bonus.
Well I gotta try and find something to do. I’m out of parts and have nothing to fix because of that. So that’s my post for today. Good bad or indifferent here it is.

Kisses Hugs & Love

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