This is the third rewrite of this post. It’s been drafted for three days. And as my attitude has once again changed. I find I need to be more positive.
This past week the deep soul searching and meditation has proven to me, that I have to accept myself. No one can do that for me. Only I can do that for me. I’ve known for a number of years that I need to be open about myself. But when you spend much longer than that burying deep into the recesses of yourself that which society says is wrong, then building a fort around it, you become lost in what you are. I wondered on the last few weeks why I’ve waited so long. I’ve realized that trying to be the societal norm I’ve cheated myself of a list of things. Happiness, true love, self love and self acceptance and must of all internal peace and happiness. I’ve lived my life for those around me and not my self.
My wife has accepted me. She has actually been promoting and helping me along. So what’s my own problem? Worrying too much of my own self I suppose. Worrying about to much. My wife is a testament to me to just be happy. She is 99% the happiest person I could ever know. Even in the face of bad times she keeps a smile and a positive outlook. I continue to fear the outcome, looking down instead of up.
Anyhow, I need to take lessons from her.
She has told me more than once to decide something. I have known my decision. I refused to accept it for fear of losing the most wonderful person in my life. She told me the other night she hasn’t seen me happier than when I’m truly myself like had been lately. But when I get down on my own self pity party, I’m down and yucky, flat out unbearable. I know this because I’m hating me when I get that way. I been that way as recently as yesterday. I was still feeling it this morning. Right now I’m good. Yes I’m still fighting some. Partly because I’m walking in duality. Male for sure at work and fem the other part of the time. Yup until now, I’ve fought myself on male mode and when. With knowing Mistress needs me as male and she voiced many times. So I tried to please not only my self by Underdressing, but her as well by being male outwardly.
So we’ve had lots of talks, and we have had lots of fights. I’ve attempted to box it away several times in the last few months. One day it was almost boxed away. Then we argued again and it didn’t get completed. So a post she wrote last weekend, I took her words of accepting me as spite. I fell off the deep end again. Fighting again with myself. So Friday night our outing to dinner was strictly male mode. No panties no undergarments what so ever. She knew. I was not right, and something was wrong. She wanted to talk in restaurant. I had to stop her as I was about to break down completely. Not a good thing in the restaurant. So we finally got it all worked out. She hasn’t an issue as of yet with only one exception, my own back and forth of all this. If I wasn’t so back and forth, she wouldn’t be either. She loves me and accepts me. Full heartedly as I do her. In her words accept yourself. So I am. Walking into the every day world as Kandi, that’s what matters me being happy and me. With her by my side I can and will be just that.
I’m closing this post, I will say it’s hard. No matter who we are what we are it’s hard to have all this running through the mind, heart and soul. The pain of figuring this stuff out. But the hardest part of all this transition, it’s accepting ourselves. Once we do that, accept ourselves, the rest is easy. There will be tough things, social issues, but compared to toughing out self acceptance, those will be much easier.
Lastly in the words of RuPaul Charles “if you can’t love your self, how the hell can you love some one else. Can I get an amen up in here?”
Kisses Hugs & Love