26 January journal

Good morning kinksters.. I hope Tuesday finds you all well. The temp is is back down. Won’t rise much of at all today. But the sun will be shining. Yay!
Now that I said that, it probably won’t.
  We did go to the support meeting last night. Not entirely bad or good for a first time to it. We do need to go out to it again. And again and again…….. Anyhow I think we came out with more questions than answers. Especially Mistress, who to my surprise got more involved than I expected. I though that was cool. However (always a but isn’t there), I know from our talking on the way home I’m more confused. I know what I need to do for me. Fear of losing or failing is holding my mouth shut and my actions at a stop. I know too that I’m at a point that I was about 17-18 years ago. Bank then internet was scarce and knowing where to turn for help was lost. I have noticed I distinct turn in work productivity in the last few months. I need to see a therapist. I don’t see a therapist because I feel if I come closer to being me I’ll lose an important aspect of my life, my wife. I know I need to deal with more than I have been the last few months.
Another reason of confusion is this example;
Me: I need to stop and buy some bath soap tomorrow.
Her: why? We have that body scrub.
Me: that stuff is expensive, I need to get the ivory I’ve been using. I can’t use that body scrub every day.
Her: if your going to do this you need to be using feminine products.
    At this point I was floored again. Not five minutes before was she saying she isn’t ready for further steps, ie hormones, in this particular conversation. Other conversations have gone on the fact she wants me in guy clothes. So I do oblige under protest, no dinner than we get to a store she is picking me out shirts and tops. So I’m lost many times at how or when or if to proceed.
I know there are going to be ups and downs. I’ve felt that I have slowed to about 50 mph in this vs the 90 I was doing. Yet she had much to take in and is still going at a snail’s pace in this. O don’t blame her. So much adjusting on her part. So is she supportive, or is she just being tolerant? I feel she is on the line.
Also last night we were both out of sorts being in a new environment. There was only one significant other attending last night. They were new as well. One girl is in the same boat as i am now. Her wife wasn’t attending. She stated that she wants to get a family group together. Which I though was great. We definatly need that.
   We were overwhelmed with info and stuff. Like an aa meeting, from what I understand of them, but better. I stayed quiet as I didn’t know people and being scared off my ass. As we attend more, I’m sure I’ll open up some. But for last night I needed to hear, listening to everyone. Hearing the challenges ahead for me from those that have walked or are walking them now. There was talk of male privilege. And to that I’ve decided how to address the work place. But it’s still a good ways off on that issue.
But for now, I’ve got to focus on Mistress and her needs of support that’s first. Secondly, I’ve got to find my path by seeing a counselor/therapist. Thirdly, I’ve seen mentioned by others on line, a time line of things that need to happen. I probably should set one up. I’ll need some guidance from Mistress. No matter what happens, I’ve got to Free myself from this self imposed cage. This up and down depression has got to stop. Mistress has seen that for years and has advised me to seek out counseling. I have not done so. As I had to learn why I was seeking it in the first place. If only I’d been smarter in my past. I don’t feel Mistress likes talking about the subject. Maybe she does and I’m to blind to see it. Maybe I’m just to full of fear.
Anyway, I’m done rambling. At least for now. We’ll see how it goes and see what happens from here. We are both at a cross roads or fork in the road. And we both have to decide which one to take. That is as soon as we can read the signs on the directions.

Ttfn

Kisses Hugs & Love
Kandia

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